Okay, so this isn't the rest of the paintings as I promised in the last entry.
I've come to a realization, and am determined to do something about it. I've been struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder for who knows how long, I've been to counselors, psychiatrists and psychologists, taken pills, and had addiction problems trying to deal with it. Now it's time I handle it myself, I'm tired of being this way.
Anyone who has known me for any length of time can vouch that I have a self-destructive streak a mile wide, it took until recently to find out that it had a name, a diagnosis, and a reason behind it. That's the BPD working, the self hatred, self-destruction, manipulation (even when I didn't realize until later that I was even doing it), the moodiness, attachment and trust issues, and the anger. All of the things I always feared in myself, the things I despised and wanted to change. Now is the time, and I'm going to do this.
I made this decision about two weeks ago, and I've been meaning to put it in here, I suppose in a way I was afraid to be held accountable. Afraid I would give in and fail again. I bought a book about recovering from BPD on ones own, I've started reading it and when I've gone through it once I'll restart and be able to go through and do the things needed to beat this beast within me.
I'm also taking some other positive steps toward making friends and feeling better about myself. Trying to fill the void in my life with shoes isn't working, and never has. I've possibly picked up and on-call position at the local pet store here, joined a meetup group that does volunteer work, and have decided that today is the day I start making an attempt to make the number on the scale go back down and stay there. I'll figure out later how to link my sparkpeople account to this one so that anyone who wants to see what I'm doing or track progress can do so without me always having (or forgetting) to post it.
