Can Anybody Hear Me?

I'm slacking on this thing...yet again. I suppose that just saves me from boring anyone to death.

I haven't really been posting because I've been trying to catch up on all of the crocheting I didn't do when it was too damn hot to think this summer. I've made up my first pattern! I'll post a picture when I find the yarn to finish it, I ran out five squares from being finished and now no one is carrying the shade I need. I also learned a new pattern, shell and cluster, it's a pretty, lacy one.

I decided on Tennessee for Thanksgiving, it makes more sense to go home to Michigan for Christmas, when my little sisters will be out of school and I can actually spend some time with them.

Nothing terribly interesting going on here, I've finally started looking for a new place in Colorado, not having much luck there, everything I've found is either too expensive or too far from post. err

For the record, I hate this time of year, the holidays, the greed, the crowds everywhere, the weather, all of it makes me miserable.

Compassion Became Its Own Hell

I'm sure everyone has felt at some time in their life like they were fighting against some inner darkness. Some win, some lose, for some the fight never ends. Perhaps it's me, and perhaps it's the Borderline, but I've begun to feel that I'm losing that fight. I'm giving up.

All my life I've done everything possible for others, trying to save the world one person at a time, I suppose. All the while feeling such guilt and empathy for those I was unable to help for whatever reason, never thinking of myself, the things I wanted or needed. In some way, I think it's been tearing me apart, piece by piece, building into something monstrous inside of me. Something conscienceless and self destructive to the extreme. Now I fear it's overtaking me, the beast wants out, to have control for a while.

It isn't what I want, I fear the burned bridges and people hurt if and when I lose the vice-like self-control I've held onto for so many years. The worst part is, I don't know how, or if, I can stop it.

Open Up The Sun And Burn My Eyes

Well, first thing's first. I'm back from Tennessee. My birthday was good, thanks to Kristin for taking me out and feeding me tequila shots and tying up my ribbons when I carelessly broke one of the zippers up the leg of my skirt. :)

After much moping, lying about like a lump, and completely avoiding certain things, I've decided that it's time to clean some things out of my life. I've been feeling buried and overwhelmed by certain things in my life, in my head, in my house. Now is the time to remedy those situations.

Random reviews: Both the new Nonpoint album Miracle, and Stone Sour's latest Audio Secrecy are worth a listen or a few hundred! I'm absolutely addicted to both albums, particularly Electricity and Shadow by Nonpoint and Nylon 6/6 and Miracles by Stone Sour. Both have both the hard hitting rock songs expected from the bands, as well as some softer, bittersweet songs on Audio Secrecy.

I may update again later, now it's time for one of the bigger challenges; the kitchen. boo!

Little Supernovas In My Head

Today's the day, I'm heading back to Virginia this evening. I'm not ready to go back and have to deal with real life again just yet, but at this point I haven't much other choice, there are things that need to be dealt with, like bunnies and bills.

I've had fun here in Tennessee, went to Oktoberfest with Megan and her husband and ended up at my favorite bar here in Clarksville, luckily Megan and J enjoy it too. I was surprised at how empty it was for a Friday night, when I lived here and went, Fridays were always wall to wall in that place.

I didn't take many pictures while being here, in fact, I think I only took one and that was so baby G could see herself on my phone while she was playing with it. I'll try to take some more tonight before I go.

I still haven't decided on my year long project for my birthday, Kate had some wonderful ideas, now I'm working on the overall for it and deciding whether to include it in this blog or start another just for the project.

The Key To The Next Open Chapter

I think I have a plan of sorts, something to keep me from being depressed this birthday and can look at next year and feel as though I've accomplished something. Perhaps something along the lines of a 365 project, pictures being optional, maybe doing one thing per day to make myself a better person?

I need some input on this.

I'll update more when I've gotten some input or figured something out, it's just an idea I'm tossing around right now. I figure it will help me feel better as well as forcing me to keep up on this thing.

Nothing really exciting to report today, I spent most of the day with Megan and baby G, just hanging around the house. I'll try to post something more interesting, it was an early morning and after eating my weight in Crystals awesome enchiladas, I'm ready to lapse into carb coma and pass out for the night.

It's on the bookshelf, but should I update on what I'm reading? Currently I have Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by the bed and The Rainbow by D.H. Lawrence on my iPod to read. I suppose I could provide reviews when I finish if anyone is interested.

No Angel's Gonna Hear Your Cry For Help...

Guess I'm making up for all of the time I didn't mess with this thing.

As of right now, I'm a mere eight days from turning 27. I get a bit down about this time every year, it makes me think of the passing year, my passing life, to be more specific. I feel as though I'm not at all where I should be at 27. I'm married for the second time in spite of always thinking once would be it, I have a pathetic degree that is worthless, a good chance of never being able to have a child or being able to make my husband a father, and as of right now, I have no job. Wow. Now I feel more pathetic than I did when I hit the 'new post' button.

As I stated in the last entry, I'm probably going to drop this college, thus stalling any progress toward my PhD. In all fairness, I'm almost out of financial aid anyway, and I really need to retain the information learned in the course of getting my Bachelors degree, you know, just in case I need it for my graduate level courses.

I forgot to add in the last one that I got my wedding set replaced, yep, the ring I just got at the end of January has been traded in already. Leave it to me to find a way to crack a diamond, that's unheard of. I needed a new band anyway, the silver one kept tarnishing, so I went and picked the new one and added it to our existing account, then I discovered the crack in my engagement ring. Oh joy. I took it in, they said they could find me a replacement or I could trade it in for something else. I took a night to think on it and decided to go for a smaller ring and a second band, one band is black diamonds, one is greenish, and of course the engagement ring part is in white diamonds. It's different, but still pretty traditional, sort of like me, I suppose.

I'm feeling restless and discontent lately, perhaps due to my impending birthday and feeling like a total waste of oxygen. I honestly don't know the cause. Maybe I'm in a rut with myself, I suppose shaking things up a bit could help? Who knows. I'm having one of those times (as I think everyone does) where I just want to disappear from my life, like it would be better for everyone who knows me if I could just magically cease to exist.

A wise friend of mine always says to be the difference you want to see in the world, she's right, and I've done my best to make a difference in the world. So why the hell can't I seem to make a difference in my own life unless it's for the negative?

I'm dreading the fertility treatments and the heartbreak that goes along with those when he comes back, I don't know if I can take any more. I'm failing as a wife, as a woman. There are times when I wish he would leave me for someone who can give him what he wants most; children, because even though he may be okay with giving up on that and eventually forgive me for it, I know I would never forgive myself if he was forced to choose between me and fatherhood. He wants it so much, and he deserves it, he'll be such a good daddy someday. Somehow.

I'm sure I'll feel differently about a few things once my birthday has passed and I figure out this crap with school, simply my annual rut, September is usually a pretty shitty month for me, this year is proving to be no different than those past.

This entry feels a bit more raw than the others, perhaps because I'm finally opening up and posting more than superficial junk. I usually save these things for my therapy appointments, as I probably should. I am well aware that I'm whining and being bitchy, but really, it's my blog and I'll piss and moan occasionally if I see fit.

With Every Second Collecting Dust...

Okay, so, fast forward to now.

I failed Psy202, go me. I've been attempting to get in touch with my academic adviser to find out if the school has online classes that are longer than five weeks. The five week classes weren't working for me as I hate feeling rushed and actually enjoy learning, I like being able to savor the information and commit it to memory, that doesn't happen when an entire semester of information is crammed into such a short period of time. I was retaining absolutely zero, no good.

R&R has come and gone already. It was hectic, but we managed to do most of the things he wanted to do, and he had fun, so I guess that's all that matters. We are both readjusting to being apart, and that bites. I decided to take off to Fort Campbell to spend some time with Crystal and Megan since I knew this was going to be the hardest part of him being gone and we all spent the last deployment together, so they understand what I'm dealing with right now.

I seem to be going through a BPD phase of numbness/passive self destruction, also no good, but there really isn't a whole lot I can do to either hurt or help the situation at this point, so I'm just kind of hiding out at Crystals. I know I won't be ready to go back to Virginia on Thursday, but I kind of have to, I don't want to have to mail the rent, nor do I want to have to ask Shanna to bunny sit for another two weeks.

The time has come for me to start looking for places in Colorado, and saving money for the move back. I'm dreading every moment of that task.

I did get my half sleeve finished finally, it looks awesome! However, I think I may wait a while before getting any more, I'm so over the healing process. Tattoo healing process is annoying, a fact that I always seem to forget until I'm going through it again. One would think I would remember such a thing after ten tattoos, alas no. I'll post pics, they are on my artists facebook page, but that doesn't do a whole lot for those who don't have access to that.





I think that's everything for the moment, nothing really exciting going on at all.