Guess I'm making up for all of the time I didn't mess with this thing.
As of right now, I'm a mere eight days from turning 27. I get a bit down about this time every year, it makes me think of the passing year, my passing life, to be more specific. I feel as though I'm not at all where I should be at 27. I'm married for the second time in spite of always thinking once would be it, I have a pathetic degree that is worthless, a good chance of never being able to have a child or being able to make my husband a father, and as of right now, I have no job. Wow. Now I feel more pathetic than I did when I hit the 'new post' button.
As I stated in the last entry, I'm probably going to drop this college, thus stalling any progress toward my PhD. In all fairness, I'm almost out of financial aid anyway, and I really need to retain the information learned in the course of getting my Bachelors degree, you know, just in case I need it for my graduate level courses.
I forgot to add in the last one that I got my wedding set replaced, yep, the ring I just got at the end of January has been traded in already. Leave it to me to find a way to crack a diamond, that's unheard of. I needed a new band anyway, the silver one kept tarnishing, so I went and picked the new one and added it to our existing account, then I discovered the crack in my engagement ring. Oh joy. I took it in, they said they could find me a replacement or I could trade it in for something else. I took a night to think on it and decided to go for a smaller ring and a second band, one band is black diamonds, one is greenish, and of course the engagement ring part is in white diamonds. It's different, but still pretty traditional, sort of like me, I suppose.
I'm feeling restless and discontent lately, perhaps due to my impending birthday and feeling like a total waste of oxygen. I honestly don't know the cause. Maybe I'm in a rut with myself, I suppose shaking things up a bit could help? Who knows. I'm having one of those times (as I think everyone does) where I just want to disappear from my life, like it would be better for everyone who knows me if I could just magically cease to exist.
A wise friend of mine always says to be the difference you want to see in the world, she's right, and I've done my best to make a difference in the world. So why the hell can't I seem to make a difference in my own life unless it's for the negative?
I'm dreading the fertility treatments and the heartbreak that goes along with those when he comes back, I don't know if I can take any more. I'm failing as a wife, as a woman. There are times when I wish he would leave me for someone who can give him what he wants most; children, because even though he may be okay with giving up on that and eventually forgive me for it, I know I would never forgive myself if he was forced to choose between me and fatherhood. He wants it so much, and he deserves it, he'll be such a good daddy someday. Somehow.
I'm sure I'll feel differently about a few things once my birthday has passed and I figure out this crap with school, simply my annual rut, September is usually a pretty shitty month for me, this year is proving to be no different than those past.
This entry feels a bit more raw than the others, perhaps because I'm finally opening up and posting more than superficial junk. I usually save these things for my therapy appointments, as I probably should. I am well aware that I'm whining and being bitchy, but really, it's my blog and I'll piss and moan occasionally if I see fit.
No comments:
Post a Comment