I'm sure everyone has felt at some time in their life like they were fighting against some inner darkness. Some win, some lose, for some the fight never ends. Perhaps it's me, and perhaps it's the Borderline, but I've begun to feel that I'm losing that fight. I'm giving up.
All my life I've done everything possible for others, trying to save the world one person at a time, I suppose. All the while feeling such guilt and empathy for those I was unable to help for whatever reason, never thinking of myself, the things I wanted or needed. In some way, I think it's been tearing me apart, piece by piece, building into something monstrous inside of me. Something conscienceless and self destructive to the extreme. Now I fear it's overtaking me, the beast wants out, to have control for a while.
It isn't what I want, I fear the burned bridges and people hurt if and when I lose the vice-like self-control I've held onto for so many years. The worst part is, I don't know how, or if, I can stop it.
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