With Every Second Collecting Dust...

Okay, so, fast forward to now.

I failed Psy202, go me. I've been attempting to get in touch with my academic adviser to find out if the school has online classes that are longer than five weeks. The five week classes weren't working for me as I hate feeling rushed and actually enjoy learning, I like being able to savor the information and commit it to memory, that doesn't happen when an entire semester of information is crammed into such a short period of time. I was retaining absolutely zero, no good.

R&R has come and gone already. It was hectic, but we managed to do most of the things he wanted to do, and he had fun, so I guess that's all that matters. We are both readjusting to being apart, and that bites. I decided to take off to Fort Campbell to spend some time with Crystal and Megan since I knew this was going to be the hardest part of him being gone and we all spent the last deployment together, so they understand what I'm dealing with right now.

I seem to be going through a BPD phase of numbness/passive self destruction, also no good, but there really isn't a whole lot I can do to either hurt or help the situation at this point, so I'm just kind of hiding out at Crystals. I know I won't be ready to go back to Virginia on Thursday, but I kind of have to, I don't want to have to mail the rent, nor do I want to have to ask Shanna to bunny sit for another two weeks.

The time has come for me to start looking for places in Colorado, and saving money for the move back. I'm dreading every moment of that task.

I did get my half sleeve finished finally, it looks awesome! However, I think I may wait a while before getting any more, I'm so over the healing process. Tattoo healing process is annoying, a fact that I always seem to forget until I'm going through it again. One would think I would remember such a thing after ten tattoos, alas no. I'll post pics, they are on my artists facebook page, but that doesn't do a whole lot for those who don't have access to that.





I think that's everything for the moment, nothing really exciting going on at all.

A Butterfly's Wings Can Start Tornadoes

This is an old entry that I wrote while at work one day and haven't posted yet. It's actually over a month old. Enjoy.

It has been said that a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step, therefore it could be said that the journey to becoming who (or what) one wants to be could begin just as easily. With one step.

Thinking of things that way makes me realize just how many journeys I have to take, and how many steps I've taken toward each goal.

The journey toward my PhD began with the step of purchasing a book, the next; registering for a GED assessment, and eventually, taking the test. More steps were taken when I registered for college and earned my certificate. Then, the steps I'm currently taking, earning my bachelors degree and researching ways to improve my chances of getting into the grad school I'm hoping for.

My journey toward overcoming BPD also began with a book, then more research and the realization that this (unlike cutting and other addictions I've battled) is not something I can beat on my own. I then straightened out my insurance and found an office that accepted it, made an appointment, went to the appointment where I made more that I have continued to go to.

Some journeys seem to be never-ending, or I seem to take twice as many steps backward as I do forward. Such as in my journey to be what I want physically. Although I am no where near my goals, I am nonetheless proud of the small steps I have taken toward those goals.

A Broken Promise Is As Good As A Lie...

Wow. I've really been slacking on this thing.

In new news:

Tommy called today with news of when he'll be home for leave! Longer than I had hoped, but shorter than I expected, so I suppose I can't complain too much.

Two of three sittings done toward my half-sleeve, it's turning out nicely, all that's left to add is a bit more color, shading, and some details in the space around the dragon.

I moved into the house July 1, it's a bit hotter than I had hoped, but it's starting to feel as home-like as I plan to make it for the six months I'll be in it.

I bought another BPD book, read it, and made an appointment with a local doctor. Hopefully this one will be better than those I've had in the past. I don't want pills, I want to face the problem and get through it once and for all.

My sister is staying with me for a few weeks, we've had fun. Her presence has kept me from retreating into my own mind, where I had been going more and more.

I've been reading more and more, tearing through books as I did years ago and watching endless documentaries on Netflix. I suppose starting back to school has reawakened the unquenchable thirst my mind has for knowledge.

That's about all of the new news I have for now.

I may post another entry, a bit more serious than this one, very soon.

Why Won't I Let Me Be?

Okay, so this isn't the rest of the paintings as I promised in the last entry.

I've come to a realization, and am determined to do something about it. I've been struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder for who knows how long, I've been to counselors, psychiatrists and psychologists, taken pills, and had addiction problems trying to deal with it. Now it's time I handle it myself, I'm tired of being this way.

Anyone who has known me for any length of time can vouch that I have a self-destructive streak a mile wide, it took until recently to find out that it had a name, a diagnosis, and a reason behind it. That's the BPD working, the self hatred, self-destruction, manipulation (even when I didn't realize until later that I was even doing it), the moodiness, attachment and trust issues, and the anger. All of the things I always feared in myself, the things I despised and wanted to change. Now is the time, and I'm going to do this.

I made this decision about two weeks ago, and I've been meaning to put it in here, I suppose in a way I was afraid to be held accountable. Afraid I would give in and fail again. I bought a book about recovering from BPD on ones own, I've started reading it and when I've gone through it once I'll restart and be able to go through and do the things needed to beat this beast within me.

I'm also taking some other positive steps toward making friends and feeling better about myself. Trying to fill the void in my life with shoes isn't working, and never has. I've possibly picked up and on-call position at the local pet store here, joined a meetup group that does volunteer work, and have decided that today is the day I start making an attempt to make the number on the scale go back down and stay there. I'll figure out later how to link my sparkpeople account to this one so that anyone who wants to see what I'm doing or track progress can do so without me always having (or forgetting) to post it.

I'm Your Disappearing One...

Well, I was going to post an actual entry, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow and post my finished paintings.

There are more, but I can't remember where I left off and it's time to get some sleep so I don't wake up late again.

Twisting and Turning, Unable to Sleep

Here I sit, awake again. I managed to get on a somewhat sane sleep schedule there for a few days, I'm honestly surprised that it lasted as long as it did.

I spent the weekend in North Carolina with my sisters in-law and nieces and nephew. We had fun, went shopping, and all that. This was my first time meeting my husbands younger sister, she's sweet, they all are.

I started poking around WTE again earlier, not sure if I'm back full time or if I'll lost interest again in a day or so. I went on there originally to peek at the fertility treatments board, but I don't really fit there. They're all doing fertility treatments, their husbands are home, and they are succeeding with the things that failed us, it's depressing. I found a few other sites with forums dealing with infertility, unfortunately most of them are religious, I'm not. I did get an instant message from the person I mentioned in my last entry, it seems she's in a nearly identical state of mind. As much as it hurts to see someone else hurting, to know exactly how they feel and know that there is nothing I can do to make it any better, it was still a huge relief to be able to talk to someone who understands and doesn't give me any cliche bs about the situation.

I've been painting more, experimenting a little with Linseed Oil and a palette knife, I'm thinking the process will be less overwhelming if I introduce one element at a time. Next will probably be Cobalt and/or different palette knives, perhaps a bigger canvas at some point. I've been working with 8X10 canvases and paper made for acrylic paint, they're good practice, but somewhat limiting as far as subject matter goes.

Nothing else new.

Found A Way To Live...

Where to start... well, the road trip went well, but me, being me, only took one picture the whole trip.

I should probably make separate entries for all of the things I have in mind to talk about this time, but I don't see that happening, it's hard enough for me to sit and concentrate long enough to finish one entry. So, maybe a categorization?

Road Trip:
First stop was Stillwater, Oklahoma, to see Saraya. It was my first time meeting her and her husband, they're both very nice and their daughter is just too darn cute! We had fun just hanging out, Saraya introduced me to the Pita Pit and Braums ice cream, we stayed up late drinking coffee and crocheting. I got the bad news from Tyler that Peter Steele had died the day before I left Colorado, something I didn't know because I didn't have tv or internet that day. It was raining like crazy when I left for Illinois the next day, so bad that the ratchet straps holding my cargo carrier on were soaked and dripping into the car.

The second stop was Casey, Illinois, to see my brother. I hadn't seen my brother since our nephews funeral, two years ago. He graduates this month and I won't be able to go back for it, it's the weekend I start work and Shanna can't cover for me on one of our busiest weekends of the summer. I got to meet his girlfriend, she's a sweet little girl, and took them and his mom out for dinner at the Chinese place in Marshall. I even went to church with him, for all twenty minutes we made it for. I didn't bring up my Atheism, he asked me to go with him and it seemed quite important to him, so I bit my tongue and went. Strangely, in spite of being Atheist, I don't mind going to church occasionally, the preachers are usually very charismatic and interesting to listen to, it makes one want to believe what they're saying, and serves as a reminder of why religion is so important to some. While there, I gave Deanna (my brothers mom) a few pairs of nice shoes I had, bought wine to share, as well as a corkscrew and set of four wine glasses that I left for Deanna. Andrew really appreciated our Xbox 360, I gave it to him, sort of a graduation present, I suppose, with the intention of buying us another one before Tommy comes home from Iraq. I also left him our printer, for college this fall. Andrew and I also went to see great grandmas house, we couldn't get in, but walking through the yard and talking about our memories of the place was enough. It's still in the family, but no one lives in it, we wouldn't have gone if our father was still living there, neither of us speak to him anymore.

The third stop was Clarksville, Tennessee, to see some friends from before we moved to Colorado. Megan and Crystal have both had babies since we left, so there was no way I could drive past and not stop to see them. They're both absolutely adorable!! Crystals boyfriend also fixed the car while I was there, and warned me that the catalytic converter was about to shit the bed. I was so happy to finally see all of the lights off on the dashboard. Then, of course, as soon as I get into Rocky Mount it comes back on, sure enough, damn converter!

The fourth and final stop, of course, here. Rocky Mount, Shanna's house, we've just been hanging out. Her boyfriend moved in with us a week ago, he's a sweetheart and I'm so glad they found each other! It's hard sometimes, too see them be all mushy when I can't even talk to my husband, but mostly I'm just happy for them.

Infertility News
My motivation has been rather lacking as far as the diet and exercise go. I stopped my meds for the trip, it just seemed safer that way, road food is hard enough to digest without Metformin.

I want someone to understand what it's like, but I don't want anyone else to feel this way. At 26, it's hard to find friends that aren't parents already. I know one person who is in the same boat, PCOS and all, I want to be there for her, I want to be able to talk to someone who knows exactly how I feel and how much it hurts and how damn irritating it is to hear that I'm so young and have so much time to have children. She doesn't seem to be interested in confiding, or talking to me about a damn thing, and honestly, I don't blame her. I picked up a pamphlet at the awful REs office for a site just for people suffering infertility, it sounded good, but I lost the damn thing and can't find the site now. I need to find something like that, as much as it hurts to know others are going through the same - or worse - I need someone who understands, not just sympathizes.

Other Randomness
I finally caught up with the rest of the world and got a smartphone, a Blackberry Curve, it's not the best thing in the world, but with my dislike of touchscreens, it was the best I was going for. The battery life is awful compared to my beloved Reclaim, but it does more, like storing addresses so I don't have to worry about losing an address book or pieces of paper anymore!

Shanna gave me a camera! I have fresh batteries and a blank memory card in it, maybe now I'll take some pictures. If I can stop forgetting to take it places, that is.

Having a few friends who have suffered through having their babies born still, I often come across things they're doing in memory of their children where they welcome their friends to participate. I always ask if it's okay for me to participate in these things, the whole concept of sharing something as personal as grief is still fairly alien to me. I feel honored to be able to share in these things, and help my friends remember their children, it's something I'll never have.

I've been reading quite a bit lately, I finished The Catcher in the Rye this morning, I had already read it, but I couldn't remember the ending. I've also been reading a book Shanna loaned me about Borderline Personality Disorder, and one woman's recovery from it. It's a pretty powerful book, and very insightful, too bad therapists aren't really that caring. None I've had, anyway.

Mother's Day wasn't as bad this year as it has been, I was still miserable, but I managed to keep myself together long enough to run a few errands, talk to my husband, and ended the day with a bottle of wine and all four Rob Zombie movies as a distraction. Disappointingly, the only people besides Shanna to even check on me were the ones I know online, no family, no one else bothered to see how I was holding up. Thanks a bunch people, just goes to show who really gives a shit.

So, I suppose I'll wrap this up now.