A Lot of Nothing to Say...

Here we are; mere hours away from Tommys departure, and we're doing what? He's playing with iTunes and I'm typing my thoughts to...who, exactly? I would love to be sleeping right now, but I'm afraid of missing out on time with him, and I know that if I do manage to fall asleep one of two things will happen: he'll fall asleep and we'll be late, or he'll find a way to wake me accidentally. So, to entertain myself, I thought I would sit here and update this thing. Update it with exactly what, I'm not sure, but there has to be something...I think.

I'm ridiculously, pathetically addicted to Sorority Life on Facebook. Lame, I know, but it's a distraction, and it works well most of the time. Unfortunately, I'm at such a high level that it takes forever to advance and I'm getting bored with it.

I think I may finally have gotten the chevron crochet pattern down! It took me a few attempts to do it, and at least two repeats on one of the blankets I'm currently making. If you're planning to learn this pattern, mind the edges! Even once you've mastered the pattern, the edges will still try to trip you up. Oh, and always crochet into the stitches, not between them, it will not work at all if you go between.

I've been having a recurring dream lately, of my first love, and perhaps the consequences to ensue if I decide to allow him to be part of my life in any way again. In the dream, everything is beautiful and I'm driving. He's standing alongside the road, and being someone I've known for ten years and trusted implicitly at one point, I pick him up. That's when the vines start, thick, black vines that wind through everything in my life, disintegrating everyone and everything they touch. Eventually there is nothing left, only he and I and the car we were traveling in, I'm terrified. Then I wake up, every time with a headache. I've never been much good at interpreting my own dreams, but this one seems pretty clear - that I'll destroy all of the beautiful things in my life if I allow him to be part of it again. He is eligible to get out of prison next year, and I had thought about being his friend again, mostly because I've always trusted him, I trust so few people that it's comforting to have another. I get the feeling this dream is warning me against that, especially since it keeps coming back, and he seems to be the catalyst, the vines come with him...or from him? The funny thing is that in the dream I seem to be lacking the clarity I have in waking life, to see that he is the cause of the problem, instead, I turn to him for rescue. Perhaps it's my subconscious reconciling itself to the nearly five years I spent doing exactly that. Maybe I'm finally getting some closure, in my own strange way.

The DVD I pre-ordered over a month ago came in yesterday! The Suicide Girls Guide to Living, it's fabulous. The first segment is probably my favorite, Fractal is stunning.

I don't think I have any pics to post today...maybe some makeup or something? Not on this memory card, probably nothing on the phone either.

The car wash ate my ribbon, I'm pissed about that. Tammy sent me a nice October 15th ribbon, and the damn car wash ripped it off, now where the hell do I find another one? Even if I do, it won't be the same.

Okay, that's enough for now, I'm going to try to convince him to sleep for a little while. I've been awake since around ten a.m., there's no way I'll last until who knows when in the afternoon.

What If I Say I'm Not Like The Others?

Lots of stuff today!

I have a second follower, yay Ann!

My toolbox came in and it's finished!






Oh the things one can do with spray paint, a sharpie and too much time on their hands!

Had a wonderful weekend with the in-laws! They're so sweet. I think I may have passed on my Urban Decay addiction to my mother in law, she went home with a list to go to Sephora for and she snagged the brand new Eden Primer Potion before I have it. :) I feel dumb too, she bought me three bottles of nail polish almost identical to my favorite shade because I ran out and couldn't find any more of it. Turns out, stupid Walmart moved it, it was in the one spot I didn't look when I searched the whole cosmetics area. The spot that, until recently, was strictly Sally Hanson products.

We got the storage unit rented yesterday, and I ordered the carriers I needed for Lola and Spike. Shanna is looking for places near her for me, she found one we could share if it is as nice as the posting said it was. She also mentioned trying to get me in where she works for some summer hours, I'm excited!

I'm still having a hard time with our lack of progress in having a baby. I probably always will.

My sister sent me a picture the other day, Isabella is walking! She's catching up to her age, that's awesome! I'll post one as soon as she remembers to send me one that isn't blurry.

We're less than a week from deployment now, I feel okay right now, but he's here, in the other room asleep right now. I'm staying up to make sure he gets up on time to be at work by 5:30am, normally I wouldn't, but if I hadn't, he would have stayed up. I couldn't let him do that when he has to go shoot tomorrow.

So, I'm thinking that I may start doing pics of my adventures in makeup, it's becoming an obsession lately, seeing how many different looks I can do.

It always seems that I find a million things I want to address when I'm away from the computer, but as soon as I sit down and click 'new post' I forget all of it.

I Will Wander Through Your Open Mind...

YAY! I finally have a follower, thanks Kate! I'm working on spiffing up the look of this thing too. Opinions thus far?

Okay, so I thought it might be fun to do a rant/rave entry. I'm bored, humor me, or suggest something.

Books:

Women authors:

Rave: Alice Walker.
Powerful writer, love her books, definitely worth a read, or re-read.

Rant: Kate Chopin.
After reading smashing reviews of The Awakening, I bought it. Big mistake. It was awful, I had to force myself to finish the book, then I couldn't get rid of it! No one wanted that piece of crap, I finally was able to sell it with some textbooks.

Men authors:

Rave: Kurt Vonnegut.
Love this guy and all of his works.

Rant: Ernest Hemmingway.
His portrayal of women is chauvinistic and his writing style is annoying.

Self Help:

Rave: The Fastest Way To Get Pregnant Naturally by Christopher Williams
Full of useful info (for those who are fertile anyway) it gave me ideas of things to ask my doctor when I went in the first time, and what to expect from my specialist.

Rant: The Proper Care And Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura
I have never in my life wanted to burn a book until I read this one. According to the author, if your husband is being a dick it's because you aren't treating him well enough, and sex solves all problems. Not so much, turns out my first husband was just a douchebag.

Shopping:

Rave: Frederick's of Hollywood.
Good quality, sexy and the sales are fabulous! AND they carry my bra size (36F) in store!!

Rant: Victoria's Secret
The sales girls are always rude, the sales suck, not much selection if you want some sexy panties, and they're crappy, I got a free pair of undies from there and they started fraying the first time through the washer. Extra suck point; the bra sizes stop at a D or DD.

Rave: Sephora.
Not only do they carry my favorite makeup, when they're out of something I want, they call me when it's in and save me one. Very handy when I need makeup remover, UD goes quick, by the time I got in to pick up my bottle, they had run out again!

Rant: The PX.
It's good if you want to get Lancome, Clinique, or Estee Lauder for cheaper than anywhere else, but don't expect to find a pricetag on anything or even a salesgirl to help most of the time.

Rave: Old Navy.
Comfy, quality, cute and inexpensive!

Rant: Hot Topic.
Was cool about ten years ago, now it's all Twilight, Emo, and over-priced junk that falls apart immediately.

Rave: Green Beans Coffee.
Pure awesomeness. Organic coffees, they support the military, and their profits go to an organization that helps families who have lost loved ones in service.

Rant: Starbucks.
Tastes kind of gross, the lattes are too sweet and if you believe the rumors, they refused to send our troops coffee to Iraq or Afghanistan.

Music:

Rave: Type O Negative
Pete Steele has a sexy, unmistakable voice, and songs that are absolutely amazing. Also, they guys aren't afraid to make fun of themselves and each other.

Rant: Metallica.
The music sucks, they have admitted they're only in it for the money, and they take themselves way too seriously. Highly overrated.

Rave: Liz Phair
Oh yeah, she goes there. Interesting lyrics and original sound.

Rant: Lady Gaga
WTF? This woman seriously gives me the creeps. Her music is unoriginal, and sounds like a broken record, not to mention her lack of proper clothing, do we really need another pop star showing girls they need to be damn near naked to get anyone to pay attention to them?

Rave: NuMetal.
Mudvayne, Slipknot, Static X, doesn't get much better than that!

Rant: 80's Metal.
Hard to tell one band from the next with all of the ridiculous screaming (think David Lee Roth). More annoying than entertaining.

I'm sure I'll think of more later, perhaps for an encore!

I Never Saw Whatever It Was...

I'm in a better mood today than I was last time...I think, haven't had enough coffee yet to know for sure. Surprisingly, I didn't get any nasty comments on here or facebook for the last one, and only one person deleted me from their friends list.

So here we are, less than two weeks out, house is partially packed, I have a bunch of crap to get rid of on craigslist that is driving me bugshit, is it really that hard for people to not expect to sell their crap high and get everything free from others? I posted two ads for free stuff, my phone and email blew up! No one even cared what the stuff was, they just wanted it because it was free, then those I did tell to come get it didn't bother to show up! Oh well, I guess I shove into storage the things that don't get taken and deal with them when I get back.

My in laws will be here Friday, I feel bad that the house is all bare, but they've moved, I'm sure they will understand my want to get as much as possible packed and into storage while Tommy is still home to help with it. I'm excited to meet them, I've talked to both on the phone many times, they are so nice, a huge improvement over my first set of in laws.

I still haven't gotten my toolbox, damn Amazon! Well, I can get impatient all I want, but I can't really complain about it taking nearly two weeks for FREE shipping, not logically anyway. Speaking of Amazon, my Suicide Girls dvd should be shipping on the 22nd! We preordered it over a month ago, but it isn't going to be released until March 15th.

I realized the other day that I may have a Bath & Body Works problem, I have enough lotions alone to fill my gym bag. No kidding, I did it. I may actually try to cram my body sprays in there too and call it good with just the two I carry in my purse left out, less to worry about later.

I tried something last night, an experiment, if you will. To see just how awesome my favorite eyeshadow is. After running errands, a super-hot bubble bath, and sleeping, it's still perfect. Conclusion? Urban Decay is soooo worth the money.
Here's what it looks like now.

(The shade is Graffiti, by the way) Also, lesson learned, highly pigmented eyeshadows do the same to me as tattoo ink, it stains, but that's all good.

Another lesson learned, keep makeup and husband away from facial piercings! Neither of these will end well, just ask my nose.

More to come when I remember it!

Body Full of Empty, A Head That's Full of Rage

Again today I have some light subjects, and some not so light subjects to touch on. Don't worry, I'll warn you before I get to the foul language and denying god part.

My laptop case arrived yesterday, the color wasn't what I expected, it said 'dove' and showed a pretty off white color, it's actually more like khaki, it's also a soft case, the pic looked like a hard case. Oh well, it's padded enough to keep my laptop from getting crushed, has a ton of storage pockets, and is still really nice for the $20 I paid for it. Now I'm just waiting on my toolbox. The toolbox is a project of sorts, I wanted a train case makeup box now that I'm not buying cheap makeup anymore, unfortunately those are expensive, and usually pretty small. So, I got an idea, get a toolbox and decorate it the way I want it. The one coming now is temporary, it's plastic and doesn't have drawers like I want, but that's okay too, I actually own tools, so I'll spiff it up and use it for my tools when I get the one I want for my makeup.

I finished a blanket yesterday, only two days after the baby was born, I must be getting better at this time limit stuff! I'm still working on the one for the baby born yesterday, I fear I may have made it too wide and will either run out of yarn less than halfway through, or I'll have to start it over to make it a little smaller. His mommy and daddy know I may skip sending it and just take it to them when I go home to visit, they're cool with that.



Okay, this is where it gets serious, if you're easily offended now might be a good time to click that little button up top that says 'next blog.' Just fair warning.

As anyone who has struggled through infertility knows, there are good days and there are bad days. Yesterday was a bad one. Two of my dear friends have had babies this week, and it seems everyone else is talking pregnancy and baby showers. It isn't that I'm not happy for everyone, it's just that some days the sheer abundance of babies and pregnancy around me feels like some sick cosmic joke on me. Ever wonder why I don't believe in god? Here's a big part of it, people who shouldn't be allowed within fifty feet of children can breed like rats, yet those who would be wonderful parents many times suffer through years of infertility before being able to have a baby, some are never able to be parents. That isn't 'just and merciful' nor is it free will, it wasn't my choice for my ovaries to shut down any more than it's the choice of abused children to be born into homes where they are destined to die from the beatings or neglect. Also contributing to my loss of faith, the fact that all I have ever wanted is to be a mother, and I've had to live through the loss of three babies and am now dealing with being unable to get pregnant at all. The new endocrinologist I went to looked disgusted at my being upset over having three miscarriages, I guess if I was a cold-hearted cunt like her it wouldn't bother me, but I'm not, and it kills me. Yes, I understand very well the concept of duality, and that good cannot exist without evil and vice versa, however there are more than enough other bad things in the world that killing innocents is unnecessary.

Talking to my sister yesterday she told me to think of all of the good I do, helping those who have lost their babies to have a little comfort. Honestly, I don't want to think about it, I'm not a person who wants recognition for the things I do, nor do I wish to become one. The act is no longer good, or from the heart if it is simply to impress others, regardless of what it is.

My mother has always told me that I can't save the world, she'll probably continue telling me that until the day one of us is no longer around, because I'm not going to stop trying to help everyone.

I suppose part of why the infertility stuff is hitting me so hard right now is because it's really sinking in that we won't even be able to try for another year due to the deployment. Every time I look at my facebook page I get sad, I need to take that damn ticker down that's counting to our first anniversary since he won't be here for it.

I know I've been coming across as very angry lately, I'm not usually an angry person, I just hold a lot back from people due to trust issues and not wanting to be a burden to those I do trust. So when things do come out, it's usually quite a mess.

Live At Arms Length and Die A Little

Okay, starting lightly, pics of the lipstick I made. It's lighter than I had expected, and looks even lighter in the picture. It looks like asphyxia, an interesting shade really.






On to the heavier things, I'm sure everyone has heard or seen something that took them back to a place they didn't want to be. Although some are lucky enough not to have it drag them into a nearly week long guilt trip. I had my mp3 player on random the other night (per my usual), and it started playing Lies by Stabbing Westward, I only listened to half of it before I couldn't take it anymore, but it took me back to a place I didn't want to be when I was there, and has left me feeling guilty ever since.

Anyone who knew me seven or eight, even ten, years ago can tell you I was a jerk in a big way, not as a personal affront to anyone, but because I hated everything, myself most of all.

Since then, however, I've done almost a complete 180. Although, I do have moments when I think it would be easier if I was still disconnected from everything, compassion and empathy come with a high price. It's gotten worse lately, I asked a friend of mine if she would like a blanket for her son who didn't make it, Tommy asked me who I was talking to and I told him who and that I had to ask her something. He asked what I had to ask her, I was finally able to answer him after bursting into full out sobs over her pain and my own guilt at not thinking of her sooner. Things like that are a near daily occurrence for me.

I let few people close to me, for good reason, I come across as bitchy, uncaring and sometimes rude when people first meet me, this is a defense mechanism. In truth, I'm very fragile, I get hurt easily, but I don't forgive easily, and I don't forget. I'm at a place right now where I'm feeling incredibly alone, it's killing me, I tried once to do something about it and I got burned, no more.

I've come to a few conclusions lately; first and foremost, if you have to be so childish as to stop speaking to me and refuse to tell me what I did wrong or give me the chance to apologize, then you don't want the problem (whatever the hell it was) solved. I'm not going to beg you to speak to me, or even tell me what I did, I'm an easy person to talk to, tell me or get over it, we're grownups, leave that drama for the high school kids. This has happened at least three times in the past year and I'm fed up.

Maybe I just have an attitude problem right now, I've had incessant headaches for a bout a week now and I'm so overwhelmed that I don't know if I'm coming or going most days, but I refuse to ask for help or even admit that I need it. That makes it my own fault, I know. My asshole pride strikes again, I got myself into the situations, I'll get myself out....eventually.

I apologize to anyone (if anyone is) reading today, I'm sure this sounds like a huge, rambling whinefest, I just had some things I needed to get out. It will get better with time. :)

Watch Out, Here I Come...

It occurred to me that I should probably introduce myself, and maybe what this is going to be all about, for any random readers that happen by.

I'm 26, married, living in Colorado for the time being, and this blog is my daily adventures in marriage, crochet, losing weight, and whatever else I happen to get into. Enjoy.

I made candy last night, it was from a kit, but it was enough for me to realize that candy-making isn't something I have the attention span for.



I made lipstick the other night, I'll take and post pics of that later. Right now it looks like I need to get my butt in gear on a couple of blankets, Megan is being induced right now and Heather went to the hospital a few hours ago in labor, I haven't finished either of their blankets. My arm hurts, and I have a scarf to finish by morning as well, just waiting for the Tylenol to kick in now so I can get back to it.