Live At Arms Length and Die A Little

Okay, starting lightly, pics of the lipstick I made. It's lighter than I had expected, and looks even lighter in the picture. It looks like asphyxia, an interesting shade really.






On to the heavier things, I'm sure everyone has heard or seen something that took them back to a place they didn't want to be. Although some are lucky enough not to have it drag them into a nearly week long guilt trip. I had my mp3 player on random the other night (per my usual), and it started playing Lies by Stabbing Westward, I only listened to half of it before I couldn't take it anymore, but it took me back to a place I didn't want to be when I was there, and has left me feeling guilty ever since.

Anyone who knew me seven or eight, even ten, years ago can tell you I was a jerk in a big way, not as a personal affront to anyone, but because I hated everything, myself most of all.

Since then, however, I've done almost a complete 180. Although, I do have moments when I think it would be easier if I was still disconnected from everything, compassion and empathy come with a high price. It's gotten worse lately, I asked a friend of mine if she would like a blanket for her son who didn't make it, Tommy asked me who I was talking to and I told him who and that I had to ask her something. He asked what I had to ask her, I was finally able to answer him after bursting into full out sobs over her pain and my own guilt at not thinking of her sooner. Things like that are a near daily occurrence for me.

I let few people close to me, for good reason, I come across as bitchy, uncaring and sometimes rude when people first meet me, this is a defense mechanism. In truth, I'm very fragile, I get hurt easily, but I don't forgive easily, and I don't forget. I'm at a place right now where I'm feeling incredibly alone, it's killing me, I tried once to do something about it and I got burned, no more.

I've come to a few conclusions lately; first and foremost, if you have to be so childish as to stop speaking to me and refuse to tell me what I did wrong or give me the chance to apologize, then you don't want the problem (whatever the hell it was) solved. I'm not going to beg you to speak to me, or even tell me what I did, I'm an easy person to talk to, tell me or get over it, we're grownups, leave that drama for the high school kids. This has happened at least three times in the past year and I'm fed up.

Maybe I just have an attitude problem right now, I've had incessant headaches for a bout a week now and I'm so overwhelmed that I don't know if I'm coming or going most days, but I refuse to ask for help or even admit that I need it. That makes it my own fault, I know. My asshole pride strikes again, I got myself into the situations, I'll get myself out....eventually.

I apologize to anyone (if anyone is) reading today, I'm sure this sounds like a huge, rambling whinefest, I just had some things I needed to get out. It will get better with time. :)