My laptop case arrived yesterday, the color wasn't what I expected, it said 'dove' and showed a pretty off white color, it's actually more like khaki, it's also a soft case, the pic looked like a hard case. Oh well, it's padded enough to keep my laptop from getting crushed, has a ton of storage pockets, and is still really nice for the $20 I paid for it. Now I'm just waiting on my toolbox. The toolbox is a project of sorts, I wanted a train case makeup box now that I'm not buying cheap makeup anymore, unfortunately those are expensive, and usually pretty small. So, I got an idea, get a toolbox and decorate it the way I want it. The one coming now is temporary, it's plastic and doesn't have drawers like I want, but that's okay too, I actually own tools, so I'll spiff it up and use it for my tools when I get the one I want for my makeup.
I finished a blanket yesterday, only two days after the baby was born, I must be getting better at this time limit stuff! I'm still working on the one for the baby born yesterday, I fear I may have made it too wide and will either run out of yarn less than halfway through, or I'll have to start it over to make it a little smaller. His mommy and daddy know I may skip sending it and just take it to them when I go home to visit, they're cool with that.
Okay, this is where it gets serious, if you're easily offended now might be a good time to click that little button up top that says 'next blog.' Just fair warning.
As anyone who has struggled through infertility knows, there are good days and there are bad days. Yesterday was a bad one. Two of my dear friends have had babies this week, and it seems everyone else is talking pregnancy and baby showers. It isn't that I'm not happy for everyone, it's just that some days the sheer abundance of babies and pregnancy around me feels like some sick cosmic joke on me. Ever wonder why I don't believe in god? Here's a big part of it, people who shouldn't be allowed within fifty feet of children can breed like rats, yet those who would be wonderful parents many times suffer through years of infertility before being able to have a baby, some are never able to be parents. That isn't 'just and merciful' nor is it free will, it wasn't my choice for my ovaries to shut down any more than it's the choice of abused children to be born into homes where they are destined to die from the beatings or neglect. Also contributing to my loss of faith, the fact that all I have ever wanted is to be a mother, and I've had to live through the loss of three babies and am now dealing with being unable to get pregnant at all. The new endocrinologist I went to looked disgusted at my being upset over having three miscarriages, I guess if I was a cold-hearted cunt like her it wouldn't bother me, but I'm not, and it kills me. Yes, I understand very well the concept of duality, and that good cannot exist without evil and vice versa, however there are more than enough other bad things in the world that killing innocents is unnecessary.
Talking to my sister yesterday she told me to think of all of the good I do, helping those who have lost their babies to have a little comfort. Honestly, I don't want to think about it, I'm not a person who wants recognition for the things I do, nor do I wish to become one. The act is no longer good, or from the heart if it is simply to impress others, regardless of what it is.
My mother has always told me that I can't save the world, she'll probably continue telling me that until the day one of us is no longer around, because I'm not going to stop trying to help everyone.
I suppose part of why the infertility stuff is hitting me so hard right now is because it's really sinking in that we won't even be able to try for another year due to the deployment. Every time I look at my facebook page I get sad, I need to take that damn ticker down that's counting to our first anniversary since he won't be here for it.
I know I've been coming across as very angry lately, I'm not usually an angry person, I just hold a lot back from people due to trust issues and not wanting to be a burden to those I do trust. So when things do come out, it's usually quite a mess.
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