I have some updates!
I got some good news the other day, as well as some news that I'm not quite sure what to make of. The odd news is that the doctor called, the ultrasound I had on the sixth showed no cysts. This should be good news considering the fact that a mere nine months ago both ovaries were covered completely in cysts, my problem in this is that they still aren't working, so now I have to wonder what else is wrong with me to cause them not to work.
The good news is that I have a job starting after Memorial Day and I'll be staying with Shanna for a while once I get to Virginia! Three more days until I'm out of Colorado for nine months or so!
I finished packing and cleaning in the extra bedroom today, and packed the kitchen. Now I just have to figure out how the hell I'm going to get this bed to storage by Wednesday morning, that's going to be the hard part, considering more than one person offered to help me move the tough boxes and I ended up doing that myself.
I think I've finally rid myself of an ex that has been messaging me with the guise of attempting to get me back since he dumped me nearly six years ago. It took me a long time to get over him, and I'm not dumb enough to fall into his trap again, even if I wasn't happy in my current situation. He asked if I wanted him to leave me alone, my reply was that I wouldn't mind being friends but I absolutely will not do anything that would compromise my marriage. He hasn't said (typed) a word since.
Tommy called today, he sounded really down and wouldn't tell me why. Now I'm worried, I knew he was sick, but he was in a much better mood the last time we spoke. Granted, one hundred and ten degree heat is enough to make most people a bit cranky, but not like that, he wasn't grouchy, he sounded depressed. I should know soon when he gets to take R&R, that will be nice, then I know what to plan and when. He also wants to have a discussion about the Army when he comes home then, that is another thing that makes me nervous, I don't want him to make a decision based on me or my opinion and he knows that.
Speaking of the Army, I can't remember if I mentioned this in the last post, but my little sister is joining the Reserves when she graduates! She's doing Basic this summer, then AIT next summer after graduation. I'm really proud of her, we talked and it seems she's doing it for the right reasons.
I was watching The Unit last night (I think), and one of the episodes got me thinking about something. First of all, it reminded me of why I have nothing to do with the FRG, if someone tried to trick me into going to church I would probably hit the roof. My religious preference (or lack thereof) is no ones choice but my own. It also made me think about my lack of belief. I used to believe in things, have faith, now it's gone. In a way I miss having something to believe in, a God to blame it on when life shit on me again, but no one can force themselves to believe in something that just isn't logical to them. I'm sure there are people who feel the same way about vegetarianism, in fact, I know there are, I've answered way too many questions about it to think otherwise. I try to answer the questions as honestly as possible, although I'll admit to laughing at people who tell me that God put animals on this planet for us to eat.
Another thing bothering me lately is feeling distanced from people, alone. I've been withdrawing since before Tommy left, I knew it, I can feel it when that happens, it's nothing personal toward anyone, just happens. Sometimes I just need someone to come drag me out of the house, and sometimes I can force myself out to do something, the thing about that is that I don't want to do it by myself. It seems I've been doing everything by myself lately, but that's the reason I'm leaving here, I don't want to feel alone anymore, to have to do everything by myself, and so there's someone to drag me out of the house when I need it.
I changed my layout, it occurred to me that in my attempt to be whimsical I was probably appearing childish. Eventually I'll make my own, but for now I think the sheet music will serve the purpose. Opinions this time?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
By The Way, I Made It Through The Day...
Alright, alright, I know I said I would update at least once per week, and I don't even really have a good excuse...unless beating the first two Virtual Villagers games counts as a good excuse. I started a post a few days ago, but my laptop had other plans and restarted itself, deleting the entry. It has been doing that a lot lately, making me wonder if I should take it into Best Buy for a look before I leave for Virginia.
It's been two weeks, Tommy has called me four times since he left, he said it was so I didn't get spoiled into expecting him to call all the time. He's already started working on the things he needs to take care of for his promotion, I'm proud of him for taking that initiative.
Here I am, nine days out from leaving and I still haven't finished cleaning the bedrooms, the bed is still here as well as the tv and a bunch of other things that should be in storage by now. I did get the brakes fixed and made an appointment (that I'm going to have to reschedule) for the crankshaft sensor. So I haven't totally been wasting time. I've put together two boxes for Tommy and have started getting things for the third, which I'll send when I get to Virginia.
I'm not taking the deployment nearly as hard as I thought I would, possibly because right now I have a ton of things to do and a very limited amount of time to get them done. Having things to do, making a plan to do it and following through seem to comfort the control freak in me, keeping me from being a total basketcase right now.
I think that's all for the moment.
It's been two weeks, Tommy has called me four times since he left, he said it was so I didn't get spoiled into expecting him to call all the time. He's already started working on the things he needs to take care of for his promotion, I'm proud of him for taking that initiative.
Here I am, nine days out from leaving and I still haven't finished cleaning the bedrooms, the bed is still here as well as the tv and a bunch of other things that should be in storage by now. I did get the brakes fixed and made an appointment (that I'm going to have to reschedule) for the crankshaft sensor. So I haven't totally been wasting time. I've put together two boxes for Tommy and have started getting things for the third, which I'll send when I get to Virginia.
I'm not taking the deployment nearly as hard as I thought I would, possibly because right now I have a ton of things to do and a very limited amount of time to get them done. Having things to do, making a plan to do it and following through seem to comfort the control freak in me, keeping me from being a total basketcase right now.
I think that's all for the moment.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A Lot of Nothing to Say...
Here we are; mere hours away from Tommys departure, and we're doing what? He's playing with iTunes and I'm typing my thoughts to...who, exactly? I would love to be sleeping right now, but I'm afraid of missing out on time with him, and I know that if I do manage to fall asleep one of two things will happen: he'll fall asleep and we'll be late, or he'll find a way to wake me accidentally. So, to entertain myself, I thought I would sit here and update this thing. Update it with exactly what, I'm not sure, but there has to be something...I think.
I'm ridiculously, pathetically addicted to Sorority Life on Facebook. Lame, I know, but it's a distraction, and it works well most of the time. Unfortunately, I'm at such a high level that it takes forever to advance and I'm getting bored with it.
I think I may finally have gotten the chevron crochet pattern down! It took me a few attempts to do it, and at least two repeats on one of the blankets I'm currently making. If you're planning to learn this pattern, mind the edges! Even once you've mastered the pattern, the edges will still try to trip you up. Oh, and always crochet into the stitches, not between them, it will not work at all if you go between.
I've been having a recurring dream lately, of my first love, and perhaps the consequences to ensue if I decide to allow him to be part of my life in any way again. In the dream, everything is beautiful and I'm driving. He's standing alongside the road, and being someone I've known for ten years and trusted implicitly at one point, I pick him up. That's when the vines start, thick, black vines that wind through everything in my life, disintegrating everyone and everything they touch. Eventually there is nothing left, only he and I and the car we were traveling in, I'm terrified. Then I wake up, every time with a headache. I've never been much good at interpreting my own dreams, but this one seems pretty clear - that I'll destroy all of the beautiful things in my life if I allow him to be part of it again. He is eligible to get out of prison next year, and I had thought about being his friend again, mostly because I've always trusted him, I trust so few people that it's comforting to have another. I get the feeling this dream is warning me against that, especially since it keeps coming back, and he seems to be the catalyst, the vines come with him...or from him? The funny thing is that in the dream I seem to be lacking the clarity I have in waking life, to see that he is the cause of the problem, instead, I turn to him for rescue. Perhaps it's my subconscious reconciling itself to the nearly five years I spent doing exactly that. Maybe I'm finally getting some closure, in my own strange way.
The DVD I pre-ordered over a month ago came in yesterday! The Suicide Girls Guide to Living, it's fabulous. The first segment is probably my favorite, Fractal is stunning.
I don't think I have any pics to post today...maybe some makeup or something? Not on this memory card, probably nothing on the phone either.
The car wash ate my ribbon, I'm pissed about that. Tammy sent me a nice October 15th ribbon, and the damn car wash ripped it off, now where the hell do I find another one? Even if I do, it won't be the same.
Okay, that's enough for now, I'm going to try to convince him to sleep for a little while. I've been awake since around ten a.m., there's no way I'll last until who knows when in the afternoon.
I'm ridiculously, pathetically addicted to Sorority Life on Facebook. Lame, I know, but it's a distraction, and it works well most of the time. Unfortunately, I'm at such a high level that it takes forever to advance and I'm getting bored with it.
I think I may finally have gotten the chevron crochet pattern down! It took me a few attempts to do it, and at least two repeats on one of the blankets I'm currently making. If you're planning to learn this pattern, mind the edges! Even once you've mastered the pattern, the edges will still try to trip you up. Oh, and always crochet into the stitches, not between them, it will not work at all if you go between.
I've been having a recurring dream lately, of my first love, and perhaps the consequences to ensue if I decide to allow him to be part of my life in any way again. In the dream, everything is beautiful and I'm driving. He's standing alongside the road, and being someone I've known for ten years and trusted implicitly at one point, I pick him up. That's when the vines start, thick, black vines that wind through everything in my life, disintegrating everyone and everything they touch. Eventually there is nothing left, only he and I and the car we were traveling in, I'm terrified. Then I wake up, every time with a headache. I've never been much good at interpreting my own dreams, but this one seems pretty clear - that I'll destroy all of the beautiful things in my life if I allow him to be part of it again. He is eligible to get out of prison next year, and I had thought about being his friend again, mostly because I've always trusted him, I trust so few people that it's comforting to have another. I get the feeling this dream is warning me against that, especially since it keeps coming back, and he seems to be the catalyst, the vines come with him...or from him? The funny thing is that in the dream I seem to be lacking the clarity I have in waking life, to see that he is the cause of the problem, instead, I turn to him for rescue. Perhaps it's my subconscious reconciling itself to the nearly five years I spent doing exactly that. Maybe I'm finally getting some closure, in my own strange way.
The DVD I pre-ordered over a month ago came in yesterday! The Suicide Girls Guide to Living, it's fabulous. The first segment is probably my favorite, Fractal is stunning.
I don't think I have any pics to post today...maybe some makeup or something? Not on this memory card, probably nothing on the phone either.
The car wash ate my ribbon, I'm pissed about that. Tammy sent me a nice October 15th ribbon, and the damn car wash ripped it off, now where the hell do I find another one? Even if I do, it won't be the same.
Okay, that's enough for now, I'm going to try to convince him to sleep for a little while. I've been awake since around ten a.m., there's no way I'll last until who knows when in the afternoon.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
What If I Say I'm Not Like The Others?
Lots of stuff today!
I have a second follower, yay Ann!
My toolbox came in and it's finished!
Oh the things one can do with spray paint, a sharpie and too much time on their hands!
Had a wonderful weekend with the in-laws! They're so sweet. I think I may have passed on my Urban Decay addiction to my mother in law, she went home with a list to go to Sephora for and she snagged the brand new Eden Primer Potion before I have it. :) I feel dumb too, she bought me three bottles of nail polish almost identical to my favorite shade because I ran out and couldn't find any more of it. Turns out, stupid Walmart moved it, it was in the one spot I didn't look when I searched the whole cosmetics area. The spot that, until recently, was strictly Sally Hanson products.
We got the storage unit rented yesterday, and I ordered the carriers I needed for Lola and Spike. Shanna is looking for places near her for me, she found one we could share if it is as nice as the posting said it was. She also mentioned trying to get me in where she works for some summer hours, I'm excited!
I'm still having a hard time with our lack of progress in having a baby. I probably always will.
My sister sent me a picture the other day, Isabella is walking! She's catching up to her age, that's awesome! I'll post one as soon as she remembers to send me one that isn't blurry.
We're less than a week from deployment now, I feel okay right now, but he's here, in the other room asleep right now. I'm staying up to make sure he gets up on time to be at work by 5:30am, normally I wouldn't, but if I hadn't, he would have stayed up. I couldn't let him do that when he has to go shoot tomorrow.
So, I'm thinking that I may start doing pics of my adventures in makeup, it's becoming an obsession lately, seeing how many different looks I can do.
It always seems that I find a million things I want to address when I'm away from the computer, but as soon as I sit down and click 'new post' I forget all of it.
I have a second follower, yay Ann!
My toolbox came in and it's finished!
Oh the things one can do with spray paint, a sharpie and too much time on their hands!
Had a wonderful weekend with the in-laws! They're so sweet. I think I may have passed on my Urban Decay addiction to my mother in law, she went home with a list to go to Sephora for and she snagged the brand new Eden Primer Potion before I have it. :) I feel dumb too, she bought me three bottles of nail polish almost identical to my favorite shade because I ran out and couldn't find any more of it. Turns out, stupid Walmart moved it, it was in the one spot I didn't look when I searched the whole cosmetics area. The spot that, until recently, was strictly Sally Hanson products.
We got the storage unit rented yesterday, and I ordered the carriers I needed for Lola and Spike. Shanna is looking for places near her for me, she found one we could share if it is as nice as the posting said it was. She also mentioned trying to get me in where she works for some summer hours, I'm excited!
I'm still having a hard time with our lack of progress in having a baby. I probably always will.
My sister sent me a picture the other day, Isabella is walking! She's catching up to her age, that's awesome! I'll post one as soon as she remembers to send me one that isn't blurry.
We're less than a week from deployment now, I feel okay right now, but he's here, in the other room asleep right now. I'm staying up to make sure he gets up on time to be at work by 5:30am, normally I wouldn't, but if I hadn't, he would have stayed up. I couldn't let him do that when he has to go shoot tomorrow.
So, I'm thinking that I may start doing pics of my adventures in makeup, it's becoming an obsession lately, seeing how many different looks I can do.
It always seems that I find a million things I want to address when I'm away from the computer, but as soon as I sit down and click 'new post' I forget all of it.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I Will Wander Through Your Open Mind...
YAY! I finally have a follower, thanks Kate! I'm working on spiffing up the look of this thing too. Opinions thus far?
Okay, so I thought it might be fun to do a rant/rave entry. I'm bored, humor me, or suggest something.
Books:
Women authors:
Rave: Alice Walker.
Powerful writer, love her books, definitely worth a read, or re-read.
Rant: Kate Chopin.
After reading smashing reviews of The Awakening, I bought it. Big mistake. It was awful, I had to force myself to finish the book, then I couldn't get rid of it! No one wanted that piece of crap, I finally was able to sell it with some textbooks.
Men authors:
Rave: Kurt Vonnegut.
Love this guy and all of his works.
Rant: Ernest Hemmingway.
His portrayal of women is chauvinistic and his writing style is annoying.
Self Help:
Rave: The Fastest Way To Get Pregnant Naturally by Christopher Williams
Full of useful info (for those who are fertile anyway) it gave me ideas of things to ask my doctor when I went in the first time, and what to expect from my specialist.
Rant: The Proper Care And Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura
I have never in my life wanted to burn a book until I read this one. According to the author, if your husband is being a dick it's because you aren't treating him well enough, and sex solves all problems. Not so much, turns out my first husband was just a douchebag.
Shopping:
Rave: Frederick's of Hollywood.
Good quality, sexy and the sales are fabulous! AND they carry my bra size (36F) in store!!
Rant: Victoria's Secret
The sales girls are always rude, the sales suck, not much selection if you want some sexy panties, and they're crappy, I got a free pair of undies from there and they started fraying the first time through the washer. Extra suck point; the bra sizes stop at a D or DD.
Rave: Sephora.
Not only do they carry my favorite makeup, when they're out of something I want, they call me when it's in and save me one. Very handy when I need makeup remover, UD goes quick, by the time I got in to pick up my bottle, they had run out again!
Rant: The PX.
It's good if you want to get Lancome, Clinique, or Estee Lauder for cheaper than anywhere else, but don't expect to find a pricetag on anything or even a salesgirl to help most of the time.
Rave: Old Navy.
Comfy, quality, cute and inexpensive!
Rant: Hot Topic.
Was cool about ten years ago, now it's all Twilight, Emo, and over-priced junk that falls apart immediately.
Rave: Green Beans Coffee.
Pure awesomeness. Organic coffees, they support the military, and their profits go to an organization that helps families who have lost loved ones in service.
Rant: Starbucks.
Tastes kind of gross, the lattes are too sweet and if you believe the rumors, they refused to send our troops coffee to Iraq or Afghanistan.
Music:
Rave: Type O Negative
Pete Steele has a sexy, unmistakable voice, and songs that are absolutely amazing. Also, they guys aren't afraid to make fun of themselves and each other.
Rant: Metallica.
The music sucks, they have admitted they're only in it for the money, and they take themselves way too seriously. Highly overrated.
Rave: Liz Phair
Oh yeah, she goes there. Interesting lyrics and original sound.
Rant: Lady Gaga
WTF? This woman seriously gives me the creeps. Her music is unoriginal, and sounds like a broken record, not to mention her lack of proper clothing, do we really need another pop star showing girls they need to be damn near naked to get anyone to pay attention to them?
Rave: NuMetal.
Mudvayne, Slipknot, Static X, doesn't get much better than that!
Rant: 80's Metal.
Hard to tell one band from the next with all of the ridiculous screaming (think David Lee Roth). More annoying than entertaining.
I'm sure I'll think of more later, perhaps for an encore!
Okay, so I thought it might be fun to do a rant/rave entry. I'm bored, humor me, or suggest something.
Books:
Women authors:
Rave: Alice Walker.
Powerful writer, love her books, definitely worth a read, or re-read.
Rant: Kate Chopin.
After reading smashing reviews of The Awakening, I bought it. Big mistake. It was awful, I had to force myself to finish the book, then I couldn't get rid of it! No one wanted that piece of crap, I finally was able to sell it with some textbooks.
Men authors:
Rave: Kurt Vonnegut.
Love this guy and all of his works.
Rant: Ernest Hemmingway.
His portrayal of women is chauvinistic and his writing style is annoying.
Self Help:
Rave: The Fastest Way To Get Pregnant Naturally by Christopher Williams
Full of useful info (for those who are fertile anyway) it gave me ideas of things to ask my doctor when I went in the first time, and what to expect from my specialist.
Rant: The Proper Care And Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura
I have never in my life wanted to burn a book until I read this one. According to the author, if your husband is being a dick it's because you aren't treating him well enough, and sex solves all problems. Not so much, turns out my first husband was just a douchebag.
Shopping:
Rave: Frederick's of Hollywood.
Good quality, sexy and the sales are fabulous! AND they carry my bra size (36F) in store!!
Rant: Victoria's Secret
The sales girls are always rude, the sales suck, not much selection if you want some sexy panties, and they're crappy, I got a free pair of undies from there and they started fraying the first time through the washer. Extra suck point; the bra sizes stop at a D or DD.
Rave: Sephora.
Not only do they carry my favorite makeup, when they're out of something I want, they call me when it's in and save me one. Very handy when I need makeup remover, UD goes quick, by the time I got in to pick up my bottle, they had run out again!
Rant: The PX.
It's good if you want to get Lancome, Clinique, or Estee Lauder for cheaper than anywhere else, but don't expect to find a pricetag on anything or even a salesgirl to help most of the time.
Rave: Old Navy.
Comfy, quality, cute and inexpensive!
Rant: Hot Topic.
Was cool about ten years ago, now it's all Twilight, Emo, and over-priced junk that falls apart immediately.
Rave: Green Beans Coffee.
Pure awesomeness. Organic coffees, they support the military, and their profits go to an organization that helps families who have lost loved ones in service.
Rant: Starbucks.
Tastes kind of gross, the lattes are too sweet and if you believe the rumors, they refused to send our troops coffee to Iraq or Afghanistan.
Music:
Rave: Type O Negative
Pete Steele has a sexy, unmistakable voice, and songs that are absolutely amazing. Also, they guys aren't afraid to make fun of themselves and each other.
Rant: Metallica.
The music sucks, they have admitted they're only in it for the money, and they take themselves way too seriously. Highly overrated.
Rave: Liz Phair
Oh yeah, she goes there. Interesting lyrics and original sound.
Rant: Lady Gaga
WTF? This woman seriously gives me the creeps. Her music is unoriginal, and sounds like a broken record, not to mention her lack of proper clothing, do we really need another pop star showing girls they need to be damn near naked to get anyone to pay attention to them?
Rave: NuMetal.
Mudvayne, Slipknot, Static X, doesn't get much better than that!
Rant: 80's Metal.
Hard to tell one band from the next with all of the ridiculous screaming (think David Lee Roth). More annoying than entertaining.
I'm sure I'll think of more later, perhaps for an encore!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I Never Saw Whatever It Was...
I'm in a better mood today than I was last time...I think, haven't had enough coffee yet to know for sure. Surprisingly, I didn't get any nasty comments on here or facebook for the last one, and only one person deleted me from their friends list.
So here we are, less than two weeks out, house is partially packed, I have a bunch of crap to get rid of on craigslist that is driving me bugshit, is it really that hard for people to not expect to sell their crap high and get everything free from others? I posted two ads for free stuff, my phone and email blew up! No one even cared what the stuff was, they just wanted it because it was free, then those I did tell to come get it didn't bother to show up! Oh well, I guess I shove into storage the things that don't get taken and deal with them when I get back.
My in laws will be here Friday, I feel bad that the house is all bare, but they've moved, I'm sure they will understand my want to get as much as possible packed and into storage while Tommy is still home to help with it. I'm excited to meet them, I've talked to both on the phone many times, they are so nice, a huge improvement over my first set of in laws.
I still haven't gotten my toolbox, damn Amazon! Well, I can get impatient all I want, but I can't really complain about it taking nearly two weeks for FREE shipping, not logically anyway. Speaking of Amazon, my Suicide Girls dvd should be shipping on the 22nd! We preordered it over a month ago, but it isn't going to be released until March 15th.
I realized the other day that I may have a Bath & Body Works problem, I have enough lotions alone to fill my gym bag. No kidding, I did it. I may actually try to cram my body sprays in there too and call it good with just the two I carry in my purse left out, less to worry about later.
I tried something last night, an experiment, if you will. To see just how awesome my favorite eyeshadow is. After running errands, a super-hot bubble bath, and sleeping, it's still perfect. Conclusion? Urban Decay is soooo worth the money.
Here's what it looks like now.
(The shade is Graffiti, by the way) Also, lesson learned, highly pigmented eyeshadows do the same to me as tattoo ink, it stains, but that's all good.
Another lesson learned, keep makeup and husband away from facial piercings! Neither of these will end well, just ask my nose.
More to come when I remember it!
So here we are, less than two weeks out, house is partially packed, I have a bunch of crap to get rid of on craigslist that is driving me bugshit, is it really that hard for people to not expect to sell their crap high and get everything free from others? I posted two ads for free stuff, my phone and email blew up! No one even cared what the stuff was, they just wanted it because it was free, then those I did tell to come get it didn't bother to show up! Oh well, I guess I shove into storage the things that don't get taken and deal with them when I get back.
My in laws will be here Friday, I feel bad that the house is all bare, but they've moved, I'm sure they will understand my want to get as much as possible packed and into storage while Tommy is still home to help with it. I'm excited to meet them, I've talked to both on the phone many times, they are so nice, a huge improvement over my first set of in laws.
I still haven't gotten my toolbox, damn Amazon! Well, I can get impatient all I want, but I can't really complain about it taking nearly two weeks for FREE shipping, not logically anyway. Speaking of Amazon, my Suicide Girls dvd should be shipping on the 22nd! We preordered it over a month ago, but it isn't going to be released until March 15th.
I realized the other day that I may have a Bath & Body Works problem, I have enough lotions alone to fill my gym bag. No kidding, I did it. I may actually try to cram my body sprays in there too and call it good with just the two I carry in my purse left out, less to worry about later.
I tried something last night, an experiment, if you will. To see just how awesome my favorite eyeshadow is. After running errands, a super-hot bubble bath, and sleeping, it's still perfect. Conclusion? Urban Decay is soooo worth the money.
Here's what it looks like now.
(The shade is Graffiti, by the way) Also, lesson learned, highly pigmented eyeshadows do the same to me as tattoo ink, it stains, but that's all good.
Another lesson learned, keep makeup and husband away from facial piercings! Neither of these will end well, just ask my nose.
More to come when I remember it!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Body Full of Empty, A Head That's Full of Rage
Again today I have some light subjects, and some not so light subjects to touch on. Don't worry, I'll warn you before I get to the foul language and denying god part.
My laptop case arrived yesterday, the color wasn't what I expected, it said 'dove' and showed a pretty off white color, it's actually more like khaki, it's also a soft case, the pic looked like a hard case. Oh well, it's padded enough to keep my laptop from getting crushed, has a ton of storage pockets, and is still really nice for the $20 I paid for it. Now I'm just waiting on my toolbox. The toolbox is a project of sorts, I wanted a train case makeup box now that I'm not buying cheap makeup anymore, unfortunately those are expensive, and usually pretty small. So, I got an idea, get a toolbox and decorate it the way I want it. The one coming now is temporary, it's plastic and doesn't have drawers like I want, but that's okay too, I actually own tools, so I'll spiff it up and use it for my tools when I get the one I want for my makeup.
I finished a blanket yesterday, only two days after the baby was born, I must be getting better at this time limit stuff! I'm still working on the one for the baby born yesterday, I fear I may have made it too wide and will either run out of yarn less than halfway through, or I'll have to start it over to make it a little smaller. His mommy and daddy know I may skip sending it and just take it to them when I go home to visit, they're cool with that.
Okay, this is where it gets serious, if you're easily offended now might be a good time to click that little button up top that says 'next blog.' Just fair warning.
As anyone who has struggled through infertility knows, there are good days and there are bad days. Yesterday was a bad one. Two of my dear friends have had babies this week, and it seems everyone else is talking pregnancy and baby showers. It isn't that I'm not happy for everyone, it's just that some days the sheer abundance of babies and pregnancy around me feels like some sick cosmic joke on me. Ever wonder why I don't believe in god? Here's a big part of it, people who shouldn't be allowed within fifty feet of children can breed like rats, yet those who would be wonderful parents many times suffer through years of infertility before being able to have a baby, some are never able to be parents. That isn't 'just and merciful' nor is it free will, it wasn't my choice for my ovaries to shut down any more than it's the choice of abused children to be born into homes where they are destined to die from the beatings or neglect. Also contributing to my loss of faith, the fact that all I have ever wanted is to be a mother, and I've had to live through the loss of three babies and am now dealing with being unable to get pregnant at all. The new endocrinologist I went to looked disgusted at my being upset over having three miscarriages, I guess if I was a cold-hearted cunt like her it wouldn't bother me, but I'm not, and it kills me. Yes, I understand very well the concept of duality, and that good cannot exist without evil and vice versa, however there are more than enough other bad things in the world that killing innocents is unnecessary.
Talking to my sister yesterday she told me to think of all of the good I do, helping those who have lost their babies to have a little comfort. Honestly, I don't want to think about it, I'm not a person who wants recognition for the things I do, nor do I wish to become one. The act is no longer good, or from the heart if it is simply to impress others, regardless of what it is.
My mother has always told me that I can't save the world, she'll probably continue telling me that until the day one of us is no longer around, because I'm not going to stop trying to help everyone.
I suppose part of why the infertility stuff is hitting me so hard right now is because it's really sinking in that we won't even be able to try for another year due to the deployment. Every time I look at my facebook page I get sad, I need to take that damn ticker down that's counting to our first anniversary since he won't be here for it.
I know I've been coming across as very angry lately, I'm not usually an angry person, I just hold a lot back from people due to trust issues and not wanting to be a burden to those I do trust. So when things do come out, it's usually quite a mess.
My laptop case arrived yesterday, the color wasn't what I expected, it said 'dove' and showed a pretty off white color, it's actually more like khaki, it's also a soft case, the pic looked like a hard case. Oh well, it's padded enough to keep my laptop from getting crushed, has a ton of storage pockets, and is still really nice for the $20 I paid for it. Now I'm just waiting on my toolbox. The toolbox is a project of sorts, I wanted a train case makeup box now that I'm not buying cheap makeup anymore, unfortunately those are expensive, and usually pretty small. So, I got an idea, get a toolbox and decorate it the way I want it. The one coming now is temporary, it's plastic and doesn't have drawers like I want, but that's okay too, I actually own tools, so I'll spiff it up and use it for my tools when I get the one I want for my makeup.
I finished a blanket yesterday, only two days after the baby was born, I must be getting better at this time limit stuff! I'm still working on the one for the baby born yesterday, I fear I may have made it too wide and will either run out of yarn less than halfway through, or I'll have to start it over to make it a little smaller. His mommy and daddy know I may skip sending it and just take it to them when I go home to visit, they're cool with that.
Okay, this is where it gets serious, if you're easily offended now might be a good time to click that little button up top that says 'next blog.' Just fair warning.
As anyone who has struggled through infertility knows, there are good days and there are bad days. Yesterday was a bad one. Two of my dear friends have had babies this week, and it seems everyone else is talking pregnancy and baby showers. It isn't that I'm not happy for everyone, it's just that some days the sheer abundance of babies and pregnancy around me feels like some sick cosmic joke on me. Ever wonder why I don't believe in god? Here's a big part of it, people who shouldn't be allowed within fifty feet of children can breed like rats, yet those who would be wonderful parents many times suffer through years of infertility before being able to have a baby, some are never able to be parents. That isn't 'just and merciful' nor is it free will, it wasn't my choice for my ovaries to shut down any more than it's the choice of abused children to be born into homes where they are destined to die from the beatings or neglect. Also contributing to my loss of faith, the fact that all I have ever wanted is to be a mother, and I've had to live through the loss of three babies and am now dealing with being unable to get pregnant at all. The new endocrinologist I went to looked disgusted at my being upset over having three miscarriages, I guess if I was a cold-hearted cunt like her it wouldn't bother me, but I'm not, and it kills me. Yes, I understand very well the concept of duality, and that good cannot exist without evil and vice versa, however there are more than enough other bad things in the world that killing innocents is unnecessary.
Talking to my sister yesterday she told me to think of all of the good I do, helping those who have lost their babies to have a little comfort. Honestly, I don't want to think about it, I'm not a person who wants recognition for the things I do, nor do I wish to become one. The act is no longer good, or from the heart if it is simply to impress others, regardless of what it is.
My mother has always told me that I can't save the world, she'll probably continue telling me that until the day one of us is no longer around, because I'm not going to stop trying to help everyone.
I suppose part of why the infertility stuff is hitting me so hard right now is because it's really sinking in that we won't even be able to try for another year due to the deployment. Every time I look at my facebook page I get sad, I need to take that damn ticker down that's counting to our first anniversary since he won't be here for it.
I know I've been coming across as very angry lately, I'm not usually an angry person, I just hold a lot back from people due to trust issues and not wanting to be a burden to those I do trust. So when things do come out, it's usually quite a mess.
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