A couple of new updates here, I've finished the first book in the Dexter series and am about thirty pages from finishing the second. I've also nearly finished the afore mentioned 'clearing out' of some of the negative things in my life. I woke up (entirely too early) this morning with a sense of liberation, a weight off of me that, until now, I hadn't even realized was there. I suppose ridding oneself of a source of torment does that to a person.
On to the book reviews!
The Rainbow by D.H. Lawrence was good, engaging and detailed, telling the story of a family over a few generations. It definitely left me wondering what next at the end though.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, I honestly didn't finish it. I tried, made it about halfway through and finally just gave up on it. Perhaps I was in the wrong state of mind to enjoy its whimsy, but all I could think as I was reading it was 'this is dumb.'
Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay, at the beginning it's very predictable if you've watched the series, toward the end of the book the series did veer off of the original storyline. It was a nice surprise. I'm not terribly impressed with the authors style, especially in this one, it's rather amateurish, but I love the story, so I'll continue on with the series. I did notice an improvement in his writing in the second book.
Now I just need to find the next two in mass market paperback so they match my copies of the first two. That's the problem with sets, I'm meticulous about my bookshelf and they all must be uniform, in the same size, together, in order on the shelf.
I found out the other day that apparently I only have two weeks to pack and move if I still plan to go to Michigan to spend Christmas with my family there. The house was being showed to a potential tenant yesterday afternoon. I've finally started my search for a place in Colorado, but it looks as though finding a house closer and that has at the very least a washer and dryer, for less than or equal to what we were paying for the apartment is impossible. Without help from someone I know there, all I know is that is listed on the internet, usually the apartments or high rent houses for rent or sale. We will not buy there, we hate it too much.
It seems, with my newly found liberation has also come a lull in the battle with the darkness within me. The beast is quieted, for the moment, it's cries of rage only echoes in my heart.
Some things are better off forgotten, we bury them in places that we really only visit by ourselves...
-Stone Sour (Imperfect)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Can Anybody Hear Me?
I'm slacking on this thing...yet again. I suppose that just saves me from boring anyone to death.
I haven't really been posting because I've been trying to catch up on all of the crocheting I didn't do when it was too damn hot to think this summer. I've made up my first pattern! I'll post a picture when I find the yarn to finish it, I ran out five squares from being finished and now no one is carrying the shade I need. I also learned a new pattern, shell and cluster, it's a pretty, lacy one.
I decided on Tennessee for Thanksgiving, it makes more sense to go home to Michigan for Christmas, when my little sisters will be out of school and I can actually spend some time with them.
Nothing terribly interesting going on here, I've finally started looking for a new place in Colorado, not having much luck there, everything I've found is either too expensive or too far from post. err
For the record, I hate this time of year, the holidays, the greed, the crowds everywhere, the weather, all of it makes me miserable.
I haven't really been posting because I've been trying to catch up on all of the crocheting I didn't do when it was too damn hot to think this summer. I've made up my first pattern! I'll post a picture when I find the yarn to finish it, I ran out five squares from being finished and now no one is carrying the shade I need. I also learned a new pattern, shell and cluster, it's a pretty, lacy one.
I decided on Tennessee for Thanksgiving, it makes more sense to go home to Michigan for Christmas, when my little sisters will be out of school and I can actually spend some time with them.
Nothing terribly interesting going on here, I've finally started looking for a new place in Colorado, not having much luck there, everything I've found is either too expensive or too far from post. err
For the record, I hate this time of year, the holidays, the greed, the crowds everywhere, the weather, all of it makes me miserable.
Compassion Became Its Own Hell
I'm sure everyone has felt at some time in their life like they were fighting against some inner darkness. Some win, some lose, for some the fight never ends. Perhaps it's me, and perhaps it's the Borderline, but I've begun to feel that I'm losing that fight. I'm giving up.
All my life I've done everything possible for others, trying to save the world one person at a time, I suppose. All the while feeling such guilt and empathy for those I was unable to help for whatever reason, never thinking of myself, the things I wanted or needed. In some way, I think it's been tearing me apart, piece by piece, building into something monstrous inside of me. Something conscienceless and self destructive to the extreme. Now I fear it's overtaking me, the beast wants out, to have control for a while.
It isn't what I want, I fear the burned bridges and people hurt if and when I lose the vice-like self-control I've held onto for so many years. The worst part is, I don't know how, or if, I can stop it.
All my life I've done everything possible for others, trying to save the world one person at a time, I suppose. All the while feeling such guilt and empathy for those I was unable to help for whatever reason, never thinking of myself, the things I wanted or needed. In some way, I think it's been tearing me apart, piece by piece, building into something monstrous inside of me. Something conscienceless and self destructive to the extreme. Now I fear it's overtaking me, the beast wants out, to have control for a while.
It isn't what I want, I fear the burned bridges and people hurt if and when I lose the vice-like self-control I've held onto for so many years. The worst part is, I don't know how, or if, I can stop it.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Open Up The Sun And Burn My Eyes
Well, first thing's first. I'm back from Tennessee. My birthday was good, thanks to Kristin for taking me out and feeding me tequila shots and tying up my ribbons when I carelessly broke one of the zippers up the leg of my skirt. :)
After much moping, lying about like a lump, and completely avoiding certain things, I've decided that it's time to clean some things out of my life. I've been feeling buried and overwhelmed by certain things in my life, in my head, in my house. Now is the time to remedy those situations.
Random reviews: Both the new Nonpoint album Miracle, and Stone Sour's latest Audio Secrecy are worth a listen or a few hundred! I'm absolutely addicted to both albums, particularly Electricity and Shadow by Nonpoint and Nylon 6/6 and Miracles by Stone Sour. Both have both the hard hitting rock songs expected from the bands, as well as some softer, bittersweet songs on Audio Secrecy.
I may update again later, now it's time for one of the bigger challenges; the kitchen. boo!
After much moping, lying about like a lump, and completely avoiding certain things, I've decided that it's time to clean some things out of my life. I've been feeling buried and overwhelmed by certain things in my life, in my head, in my house. Now is the time to remedy those situations.
Random reviews: Both the new Nonpoint album Miracle, and Stone Sour's latest Audio Secrecy are worth a listen or a few hundred! I'm absolutely addicted to both albums, particularly Electricity and Shadow by Nonpoint and Nylon 6/6 and Miracles by Stone Sour. Both have both the hard hitting rock songs expected from the bands, as well as some softer, bittersweet songs on Audio Secrecy.
I may update again later, now it's time for one of the bigger challenges; the kitchen. boo!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Little Supernovas In My Head
Today's the day, I'm heading back to Virginia this evening. I'm not ready to go back and have to deal with real life again just yet, but at this point I haven't much other choice, there are things that need to be dealt with, like bunnies and bills.
I've had fun here in Tennessee, went to Oktoberfest with Megan and her husband and ended up at my favorite bar here in Clarksville, luckily Megan and J enjoy it too. I was surprised at how empty it was for a Friday night, when I lived here and went, Fridays were always wall to wall in that place.
I didn't take many pictures while being here, in fact, I think I only took one and that was so baby G could see herself on my phone while she was playing with it. I'll try to take some more tonight before I go.
I still haven't decided on my year long project for my birthday, Kate had some wonderful ideas, now I'm working on the overall for it and deciding whether to include it in this blog or start another just for the project.
I've had fun here in Tennessee, went to Oktoberfest with Megan and her husband and ended up at my favorite bar here in Clarksville, luckily Megan and J enjoy it too. I was surprised at how empty it was for a Friday night, when I lived here and went, Fridays were always wall to wall in that place.
I didn't take many pictures while being here, in fact, I think I only took one and that was so baby G could see herself on my phone while she was playing with it. I'll try to take some more tonight before I go.
I still haven't decided on my year long project for my birthday, Kate had some wonderful ideas, now I'm working on the overall for it and deciding whether to include it in this blog or start another just for the project.
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Key To The Next Open Chapter
I think I have a plan of sorts, something to keep me from being depressed this birthday and can look at next year and feel as though I've accomplished something. Perhaps something along the lines of a 365 project, pictures being optional, maybe doing one thing per day to make myself a better person?
I need some input on this.
I'll update more when I've gotten some input or figured something out, it's just an idea I'm tossing around right now. I figure it will help me feel better as well as forcing me to keep up on this thing.
Nothing really exciting to report today, I spent most of the day with Megan and baby G, just hanging around the house. I'll try to post something more interesting, it was an early morning and after eating my weight in Crystals awesome enchiladas, I'm ready to lapse into carb coma and pass out for the night.
It's on the bookshelf, but should I update on what I'm reading? Currently I have Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by the bed and The Rainbow by D.H. Lawrence on my iPod to read. I suppose I could provide reviews when I finish if anyone is interested.
I need some input on this.
I'll update more when I've gotten some input or figured something out, it's just an idea I'm tossing around right now. I figure it will help me feel better as well as forcing me to keep up on this thing.
Nothing really exciting to report today, I spent most of the day with Megan and baby G, just hanging around the house. I'll try to post something more interesting, it was an early morning and after eating my weight in Crystals awesome enchiladas, I'm ready to lapse into carb coma and pass out for the night.
It's on the bookshelf, but should I update on what I'm reading? Currently I have Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by the bed and The Rainbow by D.H. Lawrence on my iPod to read. I suppose I could provide reviews when I finish if anyone is interested.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
No Angel's Gonna Hear Your Cry For Help...
Guess I'm making up for all of the time I didn't mess with this thing.
As of right now, I'm a mere eight days from turning 27. I get a bit down about this time every year, it makes me think of the passing year, my passing life, to be more specific. I feel as though I'm not at all where I should be at 27. I'm married for the second time in spite of always thinking once would be it, I have a pathetic degree that is worthless, a good chance of never being able to have a child or being able to make my husband a father, and as of right now, I have no job. Wow. Now I feel more pathetic than I did when I hit the 'new post' button.
As I stated in the last entry, I'm probably going to drop this college, thus stalling any progress toward my PhD. In all fairness, I'm almost out of financial aid anyway, and I really need to retain the information learned in the course of getting my Bachelors degree, you know, just in case I need it for my graduate level courses.
I forgot to add in the last one that I got my wedding set replaced, yep, the ring I just got at the end of January has been traded in already. Leave it to me to find a way to crack a diamond, that's unheard of. I needed a new band anyway, the silver one kept tarnishing, so I went and picked the new one and added it to our existing account, then I discovered the crack in my engagement ring. Oh joy. I took it in, they said they could find me a replacement or I could trade it in for something else. I took a night to think on it and decided to go for a smaller ring and a second band, one band is black diamonds, one is greenish, and of course the engagement ring part is in white diamonds. It's different, but still pretty traditional, sort of like me, I suppose.
I'm feeling restless and discontent lately, perhaps due to my impending birthday and feeling like a total waste of oxygen. I honestly don't know the cause. Maybe I'm in a rut with myself, I suppose shaking things up a bit could help? Who knows. I'm having one of those times (as I think everyone does) where I just want to disappear from my life, like it would be better for everyone who knows me if I could just magically cease to exist.
A wise friend of mine always says to be the difference you want to see in the world, she's right, and I've done my best to make a difference in the world. So why the hell can't I seem to make a difference in my own life unless it's for the negative?
I'm dreading the fertility treatments and the heartbreak that goes along with those when he comes back, I don't know if I can take any more. I'm failing as a wife, as a woman. There are times when I wish he would leave me for someone who can give him what he wants most; children, because even though he may be okay with giving up on that and eventually forgive me for it, I know I would never forgive myself if he was forced to choose between me and fatherhood. He wants it so much, and he deserves it, he'll be such a good daddy someday. Somehow.
I'm sure I'll feel differently about a few things once my birthday has passed and I figure out this crap with school, simply my annual rut, September is usually a pretty shitty month for me, this year is proving to be no different than those past.
This entry feels a bit more raw than the others, perhaps because I'm finally opening up and posting more than superficial junk. I usually save these things for my therapy appointments, as I probably should. I am well aware that I'm whining and being bitchy, but really, it's my blog and I'll piss and moan occasionally if I see fit.
As of right now, I'm a mere eight days from turning 27. I get a bit down about this time every year, it makes me think of the passing year, my passing life, to be more specific. I feel as though I'm not at all where I should be at 27. I'm married for the second time in spite of always thinking once would be it, I have a pathetic degree that is worthless, a good chance of never being able to have a child or being able to make my husband a father, and as of right now, I have no job. Wow. Now I feel more pathetic than I did when I hit the 'new post' button.
As I stated in the last entry, I'm probably going to drop this college, thus stalling any progress toward my PhD. In all fairness, I'm almost out of financial aid anyway, and I really need to retain the information learned in the course of getting my Bachelors degree, you know, just in case I need it for my graduate level courses.
I forgot to add in the last one that I got my wedding set replaced, yep, the ring I just got at the end of January has been traded in already. Leave it to me to find a way to crack a diamond, that's unheard of. I needed a new band anyway, the silver one kept tarnishing, so I went and picked the new one and added it to our existing account, then I discovered the crack in my engagement ring. Oh joy. I took it in, they said they could find me a replacement or I could trade it in for something else. I took a night to think on it and decided to go for a smaller ring and a second band, one band is black diamonds, one is greenish, and of course the engagement ring part is in white diamonds. It's different, but still pretty traditional, sort of like me, I suppose.
I'm feeling restless and discontent lately, perhaps due to my impending birthday and feeling like a total waste of oxygen. I honestly don't know the cause. Maybe I'm in a rut with myself, I suppose shaking things up a bit could help? Who knows. I'm having one of those times (as I think everyone does) where I just want to disappear from my life, like it would be better for everyone who knows me if I could just magically cease to exist.
A wise friend of mine always says to be the difference you want to see in the world, she's right, and I've done my best to make a difference in the world. So why the hell can't I seem to make a difference in my own life unless it's for the negative?
I'm dreading the fertility treatments and the heartbreak that goes along with those when he comes back, I don't know if I can take any more. I'm failing as a wife, as a woman. There are times when I wish he would leave me for someone who can give him what he wants most; children, because even though he may be okay with giving up on that and eventually forgive me for it, I know I would never forgive myself if he was forced to choose between me and fatherhood. He wants it so much, and he deserves it, he'll be such a good daddy someday. Somehow.
I'm sure I'll feel differently about a few things once my birthday has passed and I figure out this crap with school, simply my annual rut, September is usually a pretty shitty month for me, this year is proving to be no different than those past.
This entry feels a bit more raw than the others, perhaps because I'm finally opening up and posting more than superficial junk. I usually save these things for my therapy appointments, as I probably should. I am well aware that I'm whining and being bitchy, but really, it's my blog and I'll piss and moan occasionally if I see fit.
With Every Second Collecting Dust...
Okay, so, fast forward to now.
I failed Psy202, go me. I've been attempting to get in touch with my academic adviser to find out if the school has online classes that are longer than five weeks. The five week classes weren't working for me as I hate feeling rushed and actually enjoy learning, I like being able to savor the information and commit it to memory, that doesn't happen when an entire semester of information is crammed into such a short period of time. I was retaining absolutely zero, no good.
R&R has come and gone already. It was hectic, but we managed to do most of the things he wanted to do, and he had fun, so I guess that's all that matters. We are both readjusting to being apart, and that bites. I decided to take off to Fort Campbell to spend some time with Crystal and Megan since I knew this was going to be the hardest part of him being gone and we all spent the last deployment together, so they understand what I'm dealing with right now.
I seem to be going through a BPD phase of numbness/passive self destruction, also no good, but there really isn't a whole lot I can do to either hurt or help the situation at this point, so I'm just kind of hiding out at Crystals. I know I won't be ready to go back to Virginia on Thursday, but I kind of have to, I don't want to have to mail the rent, nor do I want to have to ask Shanna to bunny sit for another two weeks.
The time has come for me to start looking for places in Colorado, and saving money for the move back. I'm dreading every moment of that task.
I did get my half sleeve finished finally, it looks awesome! However, I think I may wait a while before getting any more, I'm so over the healing process. Tattoo healing process is annoying, a fact that I always seem to forget until I'm going through it again. One would think I would remember such a thing after ten tattoos, alas no. I'll post pics, they are on my artists facebook page, but that doesn't do a whole lot for those who don't have access to that.
I think that's everything for the moment, nothing really exciting going on at all.
I failed Psy202, go me. I've been attempting to get in touch with my academic adviser to find out if the school has online classes that are longer than five weeks. The five week classes weren't working for me as I hate feeling rushed and actually enjoy learning, I like being able to savor the information and commit it to memory, that doesn't happen when an entire semester of information is crammed into such a short period of time. I was retaining absolutely zero, no good.
R&R has come and gone already. It was hectic, but we managed to do most of the things he wanted to do, and he had fun, so I guess that's all that matters. We are both readjusting to being apart, and that bites. I decided to take off to Fort Campbell to spend some time with Crystal and Megan since I knew this was going to be the hardest part of him being gone and we all spent the last deployment together, so they understand what I'm dealing with right now.
I seem to be going through a BPD phase of numbness/passive self destruction, also no good, but there really isn't a whole lot I can do to either hurt or help the situation at this point, so I'm just kind of hiding out at Crystals. I know I won't be ready to go back to Virginia on Thursday, but I kind of have to, I don't want to have to mail the rent, nor do I want to have to ask Shanna to bunny sit for another two weeks.
The time has come for me to start looking for places in Colorado, and saving money for the move back. I'm dreading every moment of that task.
I did get my half sleeve finished finally, it looks awesome! However, I think I may wait a while before getting any more, I'm so over the healing process. Tattoo healing process is annoying, a fact that I always seem to forget until I'm going through it again. One would think I would remember such a thing after ten tattoos, alas no. I'll post pics, they are on my artists facebook page, but that doesn't do a whole lot for those who don't have access to that.
I think that's everything for the moment, nothing really exciting going on at all.
A Butterfly's Wings Can Start Tornadoes
This is an old entry that I wrote while at work one day and haven't posted yet. It's actually over a month old. Enjoy.
It has been said that a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step, therefore it could be said that the journey to becoming who (or what) one wants to be could begin just as easily. With one step.
Thinking of things that way makes me realize just how many journeys I have to take, and how many steps I've taken toward each goal.
The journey toward my PhD began with the step of purchasing a book, the next; registering for a GED assessment, and eventually, taking the test. More steps were taken when I registered for college and earned my certificate. Then, the steps I'm currently taking, earning my bachelors degree and researching ways to improve my chances of getting into the grad school I'm hoping for.
My journey toward overcoming BPD also began with a book, then more research and the realization that this (unlike cutting and other addictions I've battled) is not something I can beat on my own. I then straightened out my insurance and found an office that accepted it, made an appointment, went to the appointment where I made more that I have continued to go to.
Some journeys seem to be never-ending, or I seem to take twice as many steps backward as I do forward. Such as in my journey to be what I want physically. Although I am no where near my goals, I am nonetheless proud of the small steps I have taken toward those goals.
It has been said that a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step, therefore it could be said that the journey to becoming who (or what) one wants to be could begin just as easily. With one step.
Thinking of things that way makes me realize just how many journeys I have to take, and how many steps I've taken toward each goal.
The journey toward my PhD began with the step of purchasing a book, the next; registering for a GED assessment, and eventually, taking the test. More steps were taken when I registered for college and earned my certificate. Then, the steps I'm currently taking, earning my bachelors degree and researching ways to improve my chances of getting into the grad school I'm hoping for.
My journey toward overcoming BPD also began with a book, then more research and the realization that this (unlike cutting and other addictions I've battled) is not something I can beat on my own. I then straightened out my insurance and found an office that accepted it, made an appointment, went to the appointment where I made more that I have continued to go to.
Some journeys seem to be never-ending, or I seem to take twice as many steps backward as I do forward. Such as in my journey to be what I want physically. Although I am no where near my goals, I am nonetheless proud of the small steps I have taken toward those goals.
Monday, July 26, 2010
A Broken Promise Is As Good As A Lie...
Wow. I've really been slacking on this thing.
In new news:
Tommy called today with news of when he'll be home for leave! Longer than I had hoped, but shorter than I expected, so I suppose I can't complain too much.
Two of three sittings done toward my half-sleeve, it's turning out nicely, all that's left to add is a bit more color, shading, and some details in the space around the dragon.
I moved into the house July 1, it's a bit hotter than I had hoped, but it's starting to feel as home-like as I plan to make it for the six months I'll be in it.
I bought another BPD book, read it, and made an appointment with a local doctor. Hopefully this one will be better than those I've had in the past. I don't want pills, I want to face the problem and get through it once and for all.
My sister is staying with me for a few weeks, we've had fun. Her presence has kept me from retreating into my own mind, where I had been going more and more.
I've been reading more and more, tearing through books as I did years ago and watching endless documentaries on Netflix. I suppose starting back to school has reawakened the unquenchable thirst my mind has for knowledge.
That's about all of the new news I have for now.
I may post another entry, a bit more serious than this one, very soon.
In new news:
Tommy called today with news of when he'll be home for leave! Longer than I had hoped, but shorter than I expected, so I suppose I can't complain too much.
Two of three sittings done toward my half-sleeve, it's turning out nicely, all that's left to add is a bit more color, shading, and some details in the space around the dragon.
I moved into the house July 1, it's a bit hotter than I had hoped, but it's starting to feel as home-like as I plan to make it for the six months I'll be in it.
I bought another BPD book, read it, and made an appointment with a local doctor. Hopefully this one will be better than those I've had in the past. I don't want pills, I want to face the problem and get through it once and for all.
My sister is staying with me for a few weeks, we've had fun. Her presence has kept me from retreating into my own mind, where I had been going more and more.
I've been reading more and more, tearing through books as I did years ago and watching endless documentaries on Netflix. I suppose starting back to school has reawakened the unquenchable thirst my mind has for knowledge.
That's about all of the new news I have for now.
I may post another entry, a bit more serious than this one, very soon.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Why Won't I Let Me Be?
Okay, so this isn't the rest of the paintings as I promised in the last entry.
I've come to a realization, and am determined to do something about it. I've been struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder for who knows how long, I've been to counselors, psychiatrists and psychologists, taken pills, and had addiction problems trying to deal with it. Now it's time I handle it myself, I'm tired of being this way.
Anyone who has known me for any length of time can vouch that I have a self-destructive streak a mile wide, it took until recently to find out that it had a name, a diagnosis, and a reason behind it. That's the BPD working, the self hatred, self-destruction, manipulation (even when I didn't realize until later that I was even doing it), the moodiness, attachment and trust issues, and the anger. All of the things I always feared in myself, the things I despised and wanted to change. Now is the time, and I'm going to do this.
I made this decision about two weeks ago, and I've been meaning to put it in here, I suppose in a way I was afraid to be held accountable. Afraid I would give in and fail again. I bought a book about recovering from BPD on ones own, I've started reading it and when I've gone through it once I'll restart and be able to go through and do the things needed to beat this beast within me.
I'm also taking some other positive steps toward making friends and feeling better about myself. Trying to fill the void in my life with shoes isn't working, and never has. I've possibly picked up and on-call position at the local pet store here, joined a meetup group that does volunteer work, and have decided that today is the day I start making an attempt to make the number on the scale go back down and stay there. I'll figure out later how to link my sparkpeople account to this one so that anyone who wants to see what I'm doing or track progress can do so without me always having (or forgetting) to post it.
I've come to a realization, and am determined to do something about it. I've been struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder for who knows how long, I've been to counselors, psychiatrists and psychologists, taken pills, and had addiction problems trying to deal with it. Now it's time I handle it myself, I'm tired of being this way.
Anyone who has known me for any length of time can vouch that I have a self-destructive streak a mile wide, it took until recently to find out that it had a name, a diagnosis, and a reason behind it. That's the BPD working, the self hatred, self-destruction, manipulation (even when I didn't realize until later that I was even doing it), the moodiness, attachment and trust issues, and the anger. All of the things I always feared in myself, the things I despised and wanted to change. Now is the time, and I'm going to do this.
I made this decision about two weeks ago, and I've been meaning to put it in here, I suppose in a way I was afraid to be held accountable. Afraid I would give in and fail again. I bought a book about recovering from BPD on ones own, I've started reading it and when I've gone through it once I'll restart and be able to go through and do the things needed to beat this beast within me.
I'm also taking some other positive steps toward making friends and feeling better about myself. Trying to fill the void in my life with shoes isn't working, and never has. I've possibly picked up and on-call position at the local pet store here, joined a meetup group that does volunteer work, and have decided that today is the day I start making an attempt to make the number on the scale go back down and stay there. I'll figure out later how to link my sparkpeople account to this one so that anyone who wants to see what I'm doing or track progress can do so without me always having (or forgetting) to post it.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I'm Your Disappearing One...
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Well, I was going to post an actual entry, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow and post my finished paintings.
There are more, but I can't remember where I left off and it's time to get some sleep so I don't wake up late again.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Twisting and Turning, Unable to Sleep
Here I sit, awake again. I managed to get on a somewhat sane sleep schedule there for a few days, I'm honestly surprised that it lasted as long as it did.
I spent the weekend in North Carolina with my sisters in-law and nieces and nephew. We had fun, went shopping, and all that. This was my first time meeting my husbands younger sister, she's sweet, they all are.
I started poking around WTE again earlier, not sure if I'm back full time or if I'll lost interest again in a day or so. I went on there originally to peek at the fertility treatments board, but I don't really fit there. They're all doing fertility treatments, their husbands are home, and they are succeeding with the things that failed us, it's depressing. I found a few other sites with forums dealing with infertility, unfortunately most of them are religious, I'm not. I did get an instant message from the person I mentioned in my last entry, it seems she's in a nearly identical state of mind. As much as it hurts to see someone else hurting, to know exactly how they feel and know that there is nothing I can do to make it any better, it was still a huge relief to be able to talk to someone who understands and doesn't give me any cliche bs about the situation.
I've been painting more, experimenting a little with Linseed Oil and a palette knife, I'm thinking the process will be less overwhelming if I introduce one element at a time. Next will probably be Cobalt and/or different palette knives, perhaps a bigger canvas at some point. I've been working with 8X10 canvases and paper made for acrylic paint, they're good practice, but somewhat limiting as far as subject matter goes.
Nothing else new.
I spent the weekend in North Carolina with my sisters in-law and nieces and nephew. We had fun, went shopping, and all that. This was my first time meeting my husbands younger sister, she's sweet, they all are.
I started poking around WTE again earlier, not sure if I'm back full time or if I'll lost interest again in a day or so. I went on there originally to peek at the fertility treatments board, but I don't really fit there. They're all doing fertility treatments, their husbands are home, and they are succeeding with the things that failed us, it's depressing. I found a few other sites with forums dealing with infertility, unfortunately most of them are religious, I'm not. I did get an instant message from the person I mentioned in my last entry, it seems she's in a nearly identical state of mind. As much as it hurts to see someone else hurting, to know exactly how they feel and know that there is nothing I can do to make it any better, it was still a huge relief to be able to talk to someone who understands and doesn't give me any cliche bs about the situation.
I've been painting more, experimenting a little with Linseed Oil and a palette knife, I'm thinking the process will be less overwhelming if I introduce one element at a time. Next will probably be Cobalt and/or different palette knives, perhaps a bigger canvas at some point. I've been working with 8X10 canvases and paper made for acrylic paint, they're good practice, but somewhat limiting as far as subject matter goes.
Nothing else new.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Found A Way To Live...
Where to start... well, the road trip went well, but me, being me, only took one picture the whole trip.
I should probably make separate entries for all of the things I have in mind to talk about this time, but I don't see that happening, it's hard enough for me to sit and concentrate long enough to finish one entry. So, maybe a categorization?
Road Trip:
First stop was Stillwater, Oklahoma, to see Saraya. It was my first time meeting her and her husband, they're both very nice and their daughter is just too darn cute! We had fun just hanging out, Saraya introduced me to the Pita Pit and Braums ice cream, we stayed up late drinking coffee and crocheting. I got the bad news from Tyler that Peter Steele had died the day before I left Colorado, something I didn't know because I didn't have tv or internet that day. It was raining like crazy when I left for Illinois the next day, so bad that the ratchet straps holding my cargo carrier on were soaked and dripping into the car.
The second stop was Casey, Illinois, to see my brother. I hadn't seen my brother since our nephews funeral, two years ago. He graduates this month and I won't be able to go back for it, it's the weekend I start work and Shanna can't cover for me on one of our busiest weekends of the summer. I got to meet his girlfriend, she's a sweet little girl, and took them and his mom out for dinner at the Chinese place in Marshall. I even went to church with him, for all twenty minutes we made it for. I didn't bring up my Atheism, he asked me to go with him and it seemed quite important to him, so I bit my tongue and went. Strangely, in spite of being Atheist, I don't mind going to church occasionally, the preachers are usually very charismatic and interesting to listen to, it makes one want to believe what they're saying, and serves as a reminder of why religion is so important to some. While there, I gave Deanna (my brothers mom) a few pairs of nice shoes I had, bought wine to share, as well as a corkscrew and set of four wine glasses that I left for Deanna. Andrew really appreciated our Xbox 360, I gave it to him, sort of a graduation present, I suppose, with the intention of buying us another one before Tommy comes home from Iraq. I also left him our printer, for college this fall. Andrew and I also went to see great grandmas house, we couldn't get in, but walking through the yard and talking about our memories of the place was enough. It's still in the family, but no one lives in it, we wouldn't have gone if our father was still living there, neither of us speak to him anymore.
The third stop was Clarksville, Tennessee, to see some friends from before we moved to Colorado. Megan and Crystal have both had babies since we left, so there was no way I could drive past and not stop to see them. They're both absolutely adorable!! Crystals boyfriend also fixed the car while I was there, and warned me that the catalytic converter was about to shit the bed. I was so happy to finally see all of the lights off on the dashboard. Then, of course, as soon as I get into Rocky Mount it comes back on, sure enough, damn converter!
The fourth and final stop, of course, here. Rocky Mount, Shanna's house, we've just been hanging out. Her boyfriend moved in with us a week ago, he's a sweetheart and I'm so glad they found each other! It's hard sometimes, too see them be all mushy when I can't even talk to my husband, but mostly I'm just happy for them.
Infertility News
My motivation has been rather lacking as far as the diet and exercise go. I stopped my meds for the trip, it just seemed safer that way, road food is hard enough to digest without Metformin.
I want someone to understand what it's like, but I don't want anyone else to feel this way. At 26, it's hard to find friends that aren't parents already. I know one person who is in the same boat, PCOS and all, I want to be there for her, I want to be able to talk to someone who knows exactly how I feel and how much it hurts and how damn irritating it is to hear that I'm so young and have so much time to have children. She doesn't seem to be interested in confiding, or talking to me about a damn thing, and honestly, I don't blame her. I picked up a pamphlet at the awful REs office for a site just for people suffering infertility, it sounded good, but I lost the damn thing and can't find the site now. I need to find something like that, as much as it hurts to know others are going through the same - or worse - I need someone who understands, not just sympathizes.
Other Randomness
I finally caught up with the rest of the world and got a smartphone, a Blackberry Curve, it's not the best thing in the world, but with my dislike of touchscreens, it was the best I was going for. The battery life is awful compared to my beloved Reclaim, but it does more, like storing addresses so I don't have to worry about losing an address book or pieces of paper anymore!
Shanna gave me a camera! I have fresh batteries and a blank memory card in it, maybe now I'll take some pictures. If I can stop forgetting to take it places, that is.
Having a few friends who have suffered through having their babies born still, I often come across things they're doing in memory of their children where they welcome their friends to participate. I always ask if it's okay for me to participate in these things, the whole concept of sharing something as personal as grief is still fairly alien to me. I feel honored to be able to share in these things, and help my friends remember their children, it's something I'll never have.
I've been reading quite a bit lately, I finished The Catcher in the Rye this morning, I had already read it, but I couldn't remember the ending. I've also been reading a book Shanna loaned me about Borderline Personality Disorder, and one woman's recovery from it. It's a pretty powerful book, and very insightful, too bad therapists aren't really that caring. None I've had, anyway.
Mother's Day wasn't as bad this year as it has been, I was still miserable, but I managed to keep myself together long enough to run a few errands, talk to my husband, and ended the day with a bottle of wine and all four Rob Zombie movies as a distraction. Disappointingly, the only people besides Shanna to even check on me were the ones I know online, no family, no one else bothered to see how I was holding up. Thanks a bunch people, just goes to show who really gives a shit.
So, I suppose I'll wrap this up now.
I should probably make separate entries for all of the things I have in mind to talk about this time, but I don't see that happening, it's hard enough for me to sit and concentrate long enough to finish one entry. So, maybe a categorization?
Road Trip:
First stop was Stillwater, Oklahoma, to see Saraya. It was my first time meeting her and her husband, they're both very nice and their daughter is just too darn cute! We had fun just hanging out, Saraya introduced me to the Pita Pit and Braums ice cream, we stayed up late drinking coffee and crocheting. I got the bad news from Tyler that Peter Steele had died the day before I left Colorado, something I didn't know because I didn't have tv or internet that day. It was raining like crazy when I left for Illinois the next day, so bad that the ratchet straps holding my cargo carrier on were soaked and dripping into the car.
The second stop was Casey, Illinois, to see my brother. I hadn't seen my brother since our nephews funeral, two years ago. He graduates this month and I won't be able to go back for it, it's the weekend I start work and Shanna can't cover for me on one of our busiest weekends of the summer. I got to meet his girlfriend, she's a sweet little girl, and took them and his mom out for dinner at the Chinese place in Marshall. I even went to church with him, for all twenty minutes we made it for. I didn't bring up my Atheism, he asked me to go with him and it seemed quite important to him, so I bit my tongue and went. Strangely, in spite of being Atheist, I don't mind going to church occasionally, the preachers are usually very charismatic and interesting to listen to, it makes one want to believe what they're saying, and serves as a reminder of why religion is so important to some. While there, I gave Deanna (my brothers mom) a few pairs of nice shoes I had, bought wine to share, as well as a corkscrew and set of four wine glasses that I left for Deanna. Andrew really appreciated our Xbox 360, I gave it to him, sort of a graduation present, I suppose, with the intention of buying us another one before Tommy comes home from Iraq. I also left him our printer, for college this fall. Andrew and I also went to see great grandmas house, we couldn't get in, but walking through the yard and talking about our memories of the place was enough. It's still in the family, but no one lives in it, we wouldn't have gone if our father was still living there, neither of us speak to him anymore.
The third stop was Clarksville, Tennessee, to see some friends from before we moved to Colorado. Megan and Crystal have both had babies since we left, so there was no way I could drive past and not stop to see them. They're both absolutely adorable!! Crystals boyfriend also fixed the car while I was there, and warned me that the catalytic converter was about to shit the bed. I was so happy to finally see all of the lights off on the dashboard. Then, of course, as soon as I get into Rocky Mount it comes back on, sure enough, damn converter!
The fourth and final stop, of course, here. Rocky Mount, Shanna's house, we've just been hanging out. Her boyfriend moved in with us a week ago, he's a sweetheart and I'm so glad they found each other! It's hard sometimes, too see them be all mushy when I can't even talk to my husband, but mostly I'm just happy for them.
Infertility News
My motivation has been rather lacking as far as the diet and exercise go. I stopped my meds for the trip, it just seemed safer that way, road food is hard enough to digest without Metformin.
I want someone to understand what it's like, but I don't want anyone else to feel this way. At 26, it's hard to find friends that aren't parents already. I know one person who is in the same boat, PCOS and all, I want to be there for her, I want to be able to talk to someone who knows exactly how I feel and how much it hurts and how damn irritating it is to hear that I'm so young and have so much time to have children. She doesn't seem to be interested in confiding, or talking to me about a damn thing, and honestly, I don't blame her. I picked up a pamphlet at the awful REs office for a site just for people suffering infertility, it sounded good, but I lost the damn thing and can't find the site now. I need to find something like that, as much as it hurts to know others are going through the same - or worse - I need someone who understands, not just sympathizes.
Other Randomness
I finally caught up with the rest of the world and got a smartphone, a Blackberry Curve, it's not the best thing in the world, but with my dislike of touchscreens, it was the best I was going for. The battery life is awful compared to my beloved Reclaim, but it does more, like storing addresses so I don't have to worry about losing an address book or pieces of paper anymore!
Shanna gave me a camera! I have fresh batteries and a blank memory card in it, maybe now I'll take some pictures. If I can stop forgetting to take it places, that is.
Having a few friends who have suffered through having their babies born still, I often come across things they're doing in memory of their children where they welcome their friends to participate. I always ask if it's okay for me to participate in these things, the whole concept of sharing something as personal as grief is still fairly alien to me. I feel honored to be able to share in these things, and help my friends remember their children, it's something I'll never have.
I've been reading quite a bit lately, I finished The Catcher in the Rye this morning, I had already read it, but I couldn't remember the ending. I've also been reading a book Shanna loaned me about Borderline Personality Disorder, and one woman's recovery from it. It's a pretty powerful book, and very insightful, too bad therapists aren't really that caring. None I've had, anyway.
Mother's Day wasn't as bad this year as it has been, I was still miserable, but I managed to keep myself together long enough to run a few errands, talk to my husband, and ended the day with a bottle of wine and all four Rob Zombie movies as a distraction. Disappointingly, the only people besides Shanna to even check on me were the ones I know online, no family, no one else bothered to see how I was holding up. Thanks a bunch people, just goes to show who really gives a shit.
So, I suppose I'll wrap this up now.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Some Things Are Dead And Buried...
I have some updates!
I got some good news the other day, as well as some news that I'm not quite sure what to make of. The odd news is that the doctor called, the ultrasound I had on the sixth showed no cysts. This should be good news considering the fact that a mere nine months ago both ovaries were covered completely in cysts, my problem in this is that they still aren't working, so now I have to wonder what else is wrong with me to cause them not to work.
The good news is that I have a job starting after Memorial Day and I'll be staying with Shanna for a while once I get to Virginia! Three more days until I'm out of Colorado for nine months or so!
I finished packing and cleaning in the extra bedroom today, and packed the kitchen. Now I just have to figure out how the hell I'm going to get this bed to storage by Wednesday morning, that's going to be the hard part, considering more than one person offered to help me move the tough boxes and I ended up doing that myself.
I think I've finally rid myself of an ex that has been messaging me with the guise of attempting to get me back since he dumped me nearly six years ago. It took me a long time to get over him, and I'm not dumb enough to fall into his trap again, even if I wasn't happy in my current situation. He asked if I wanted him to leave me alone, my reply was that I wouldn't mind being friends but I absolutely will not do anything that would compromise my marriage. He hasn't said (typed) a word since.
Tommy called today, he sounded really down and wouldn't tell me why. Now I'm worried, I knew he was sick, but he was in a much better mood the last time we spoke. Granted, one hundred and ten degree heat is enough to make most people a bit cranky, but not like that, he wasn't grouchy, he sounded depressed. I should know soon when he gets to take R&R, that will be nice, then I know what to plan and when. He also wants to have a discussion about the Army when he comes home then, that is another thing that makes me nervous, I don't want him to make a decision based on me or my opinion and he knows that.
Speaking of the Army, I can't remember if I mentioned this in the last post, but my little sister is joining the Reserves when she graduates! She's doing Basic this summer, then AIT next summer after graduation. I'm really proud of her, we talked and it seems she's doing it for the right reasons.
I was watching The Unit last night (I think), and one of the episodes got me thinking about something. First of all, it reminded me of why I have nothing to do with the FRG, if someone tried to trick me into going to church I would probably hit the roof. My religious preference (or lack thereof) is no ones choice but my own. It also made me think about my lack of belief. I used to believe in things, have faith, now it's gone. In a way I miss having something to believe in, a God to blame it on when life shit on me again, but no one can force themselves to believe in something that just isn't logical to them. I'm sure there are people who feel the same way about vegetarianism, in fact, I know there are, I've answered way too many questions about it to think otherwise. I try to answer the questions as honestly as possible, although I'll admit to laughing at people who tell me that God put animals on this planet for us to eat.
Another thing bothering me lately is feeling distanced from people, alone. I've been withdrawing since before Tommy left, I knew it, I can feel it when that happens, it's nothing personal toward anyone, just happens. Sometimes I just need someone to come drag me out of the house, and sometimes I can force myself out to do something, the thing about that is that I don't want to do it by myself. It seems I've been doing everything by myself lately, but that's the reason I'm leaving here, I don't want to feel alone anymore, to have to do everything by myself, and so there's someone to drag me out of the house when I need it.
I changed my layout, it occurred to me that in my attempt to be whimsical I was probably appearing childish. Eventually I'll make my own, but for now I think the sheet music will serve the purpose. Opinions this time?
I got some good news the other day, as well as some news that I'm not quite sure what to make of. The odd news is that the doctor called, the ultrasound I had on the sixth showed no cysts. This should be good news considering the fact that a mere nine months ago both ovaries were covered completely in cysts, my problem in this is that they still aren't working, so now I have to wonder what else is wrong with me to cause them not to work.
The good news is that I have a job starting after Memorial Day and I'll be staying with Shanna for a while once I get to Virginia! Three more days until I'm out of Colorado for nine months or so!
I finished packing and cleaning in the extra bedroom today, and packed the kitchen. Now I just have to figure out how the hell I'm going to get this bed to storage by Wednesday morning, that's going to be the hard part, considering more than one person offered to help me move the tough boxes and I ended up doing that myself.
I think I've finally rid myself of an ex that has been messaging me with the guise of attempting to get me back since he dumped me nearly six years ago. It took me a long time to get over him, and I'm not dumb enough to fall into his trap again, even if I wasn't happy in my current situation. He asked if I wanted him to leave me alone, my reply was that I wouldn't mind being friends but I absolutely will not do anything that would compromise my marriage. He hasn't said (typed) a word since.
Tommy called today, he sounded really down and wouldn't tell me why. Now I'm worried, I knew he was sick, but he was in a much better mood the last time we spoke. Granted, one hundred and ten degree heat is enough to make most people a bit cranky, but not like that, he wasn't grouchy, he sounded depressed. I should know soon when he gets to take R&R, that will be nice, then I know what to plan and when. He also wants to have a discussion about the Army when he comes home then, that is another thing that makes me nervous, I don't want him to make a decision based on me or my opinion and he knows that.
Speaking of the Army, I can't remember if I mentioned this in the last post, but my little sister is joining the Reserves when she graduates! She's doing Basic this summer, then AIT next summer after graduation. I'm really proud of her, we talked and it seems she's doing it for the right reasons.
I was watching The Unit last night (I think), and one of the episodes got me thinking about something. First of all, it reminded me of why I have nothing to do with the FRG, if someone tried to trick me into going to church I would probably hit the roof. My religious preference (or lack thereof) is no ones choice but my own. It also made me think about my lack of belief. I used to believe in things, have faith, now it's gone. In a way I miss having something to believe in, a God to blame it on when life shit on me again, but no one can force themselves to believe in something that just isn't logical to them. I'm sure there are people who feel the same way about vegetarianism, in fact, I know there are, I've answered way too many questions about it to think otherwise. I try to answer the questions as honestly as possible, although I'll admit to laughing at people who tell me that God put animals on this planet for us to eat.
Another thing bothering me lately is feeling distanced from people, alone. I've been withdrawing since before Tommy left, I knew it, I can feel it when that happens, it's nothing personal toward anyone, just happens. Sometimes I just need someone to come drag me out of the house, and sometimes I can force myself out to do something, the thing about that is that I don't want to do it by myself. It seems I've been doing everything by myself lately, but that's the reason I'm leaving here, I don't want to feel alone anymore, to have to do everything by myself, and so there's someone to drag me out of the house when I need it.
I changed my layout, it occurred to me that in my attempt to be whimsical I was probably appearing childish. Eventually I'll make my own, but for now I think the sheet music will serve the purpose. Opinions this time?
Sunday, April 4, 2010
By The Way, I Made It Through The Day...
Alright, alright, I know I said I would update at least once per week, and I don't even really have a good excuse...unless beating the first two Virtual Villagers games counts as a good excuse. I started a post a few days ago, but my laptop had other plans and restarted itself, deleting the entry. It has been doing that a lot lately, making me wonder if I should take it into Best Buy for a look before I leave for Virginia.
It's been two weeks, Tommy has called me four times since he left, he said it was so I didn't get spoiled into expecting him to call all the time. He's already started working on the things he needs to take care of for his promotion, I'm proud of him for taking that initiative.
Here I am, nine days out from leaving and I still haven't finished cleaning the bedrooms, the bed is still here as well as the tv and a bunch of other things that should be in storage by now. I did get the brakes fixed and made an appointment (that I'm going to have to reschedule) for the crankshaft sensor. So I haven't totally been wasting time. I've put together two boxes for Tommy and have started getting things for the third, which I'll send when I get to Virginia.
I'm not taking the deployment nearly as hard as I thought I would, possibly because right now I have a ton of things to do and a very limited amount of time to get them done. Having things to do, making a plan to do it and following through seem to comfort the control freak in me, keeping me from being a total basketcase right now.
I think that's all for the moment.
It's been two weeks, Tommy has called me four times since he left, he said it was so I didn't get spoiled into expecting him to call all the time. He's already started working on the things he needs to take care of for his promotion, I'm proud of him for taking that initiative.
Here I am, nine days out from leaving and I still haven't finished cleaning the bedrooms, the bed is still here as well as the tv and a bunch of other things that should be in storage by now. I did get the brakes fixed and made an appointment (that I'm going to have to reschedule) for the crankshaft sensor. So I haven't totally been wasting time. I've put together two boxes for Tommy and have started getting things for the third, which I'll send when I get to Virginia.
I'm not taking the deployment nearly as hard as I thought I would, possibly because right now I have a ton of things to do and a very limited amount of time to get them done. Having things to do, making a plan to do it and following through seem to comfort the control freak in me, keeping me from being a total basketcase right now.
I think that's all for the moment.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A Lot of Nothing to Say...
Here we are; mere hours away from Tommys departure, and we're doing what? He's playing with iTunes and I'm typing my thoughts to...who, exactly? I would love to be sleeping right now, but I'm afraid of missing out on time with him, and I know that if I do manage to fall asleep one of two things will happen: he'll fall asleep and we'll be late, or he'll find a way to wake me accidentally. So, to entertain myself, I thought I would sit here and update this thing. Update it with exactly what, I'm not sure, but there has to be something...I think.
I'm ridiculously, pathetically addicted to Sorority Life on Facebook. Lame, I know, but it's a distraction, and it works well most of the time. Unfortunately, I'm at such a high level that it takes forever to advance and I'm getting bored with it.
I think I may finally have gotten the chevron crochet pattern down! It took me a few attempts to do it, and at least two repeats on one of the blankets I'm currently making. If you're planning to learn this pattern, mind the edges! Even once you've mastered the pattern, the edges will still try to trip you up. Oh, and always crochet into the stitches, not between them, it will not work at all if you go between.
I've been having a recurring dream lately, of my first love, and perhaps the consequences to ensue if I decide to allow him to be part of my life in any way again. In the dream, everything is beautiful and I'm driving. He's standing alongside the road, and being someone I've known for ten years and trusted implicitly at one point, I pick him up. That's when the vines start, thick, black vines that wind through everything in my life, disintegrating everyone and everything they touch. Eventually there is nothing left, only he and I and the car we were traveling in, I'm terrified. Then I wake up, every time with a headache. I've never been much good at interpreting my own dreams, but this one seems pretty clear - that I'll destroy all of the beautiful things in my life if I allow him to be part of it again. He is eligible to get out of prison next year, and I had thought about being his friend again, mostly because I've always trusted him, I trust so few people that it's comforting to have another. I get the feeling this dream is warning me against that, especially since it keeps coming back, and he seems to be the catalyst, the vines come with him...or from him? The funny thing is that in the dream I seem to be lacking the clarity I have in waking life, to see that he is the cause of the problem, instead, I turn to him for rescue. Perhaps it's my subconscious reconciling itself to the nearly five years I spent doing exactly that. Maybe I'm finally getting some closure, in my own strange way.
The DVD I pre-ordered over a month ago came in yesterday! The Suicide Girls Guide to Living, it's fabulous. The first segment is probably my favorite, Fractal is stunning.
I don't think I have any pics to post today...maybe some makeup or something? Not on this memory card, probably nothing on the phone either.
The car wash ate my ribbon, I'm pissed about that. Tammy sent me a nice October 15th ribbon, and the damn car wash ripped it off, now where the hell do I find another one? Even if I do, it won't be the same.
Okay, that's enough for now, I'm going to try to convince him to sleep for a little while. I've been awake since around ten a.m., there's no way I'll last until who knows when in the afternoon.
I'm ridiculously, pathetically addicted to Sorority Life on Facebook. Lame, I know, but it's a distraction, and it works well most of the time. Unfortunately, I'm at such a high level that it takes forever to advance and I'm getting bored with it.
I think I may finally have gotten the chevron crochet pattern down! It took me a few attempts to do it, and at least two repeats on one of the blankets I'm currently making. If you're planning to learn this pattern, mind the edges! Even once you've mastered the pattern, the edges will still try to trip you up. Oh, and always crochet into the stitches, not between them, it will not work at all if you go between.
I've been having a recurring dream lately, of my first love, and perhaps the consequences to ensue if I decide to allow him to be part of my life in any way again. In the dream, everything is beautiful and I'm driving. He's standing alongside the road, and being someone I've known for ten years and trusted implicitly at one point, I pick him up. That's when the vines start, thick, black vines that wind through everything in my life, disintegrating everyone and everything they touch. Eventually there is nothing left, only he and I and the car we were traveling in, I'm terrified. Then I wake up, every time with a headache. I've never been much good at interpreting my own dreams, but this one seems pretty clear - that I'll destroy all of the beautiful things in my life if I allow him to be part of it again. He is eligible to get out of prison next year, and I had thought about being his friend again, mostly because I've always trusted him, I trust so few people that it's comforting to have another. I get the feeling this dream is warning me against that, especially since it keeps coming back, and he seems to be the catalyst, the vines come with him...or from him? The funny thing is that in the dream I seem to be lacking the clarity I have in waking life, to see that he is the cause of the problem, instead, I turn to him for rescue. Perhaps it's my subconscious reconciling itself to the nearly five years I spent doing exactly that. Maybe I'm finally getting some closure, in my own strange way.
The DVD I pre-ordered over a month ago came in yesterday! The Suicide Girls Guide to Living, it's fabulous. The first segment is probably my favorite, Fractal is stunning.
I don't think I have any pics to post today...maybe some makeup or something? Not on this memory card, probably nothing on the phone either.
The car wash ate my ribbon, I'm pissed about that. Tammy sent me a nice October 15th ribbon, and the damn car wash ripped it off, now where the hell do I find another one? Even if I do, it won't be the same.
Okay, that's enough for now, I'm going to try to convince him to sleep for a little while. I've been awake since around ten a.m., there's no way I'll last until who knows when in the afternoon.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
What If I Say I'm Not Like The Others?
Lots of stuff today!
I have a second follower, yay Ann!
My toolbox came in and it's finished!
Oh the things one can do with spray paint, a sharpie and too much time on their hands!
Had a wonderful weekend with the in-laws! They're so sweet. I think I may have passed on my Urban Decay addiction to my mother in law, she went home with a list to go to Sephora for and she snagged the brand new Eden Primer Potion before I have it. :) I feel dumb too, she bought me three bottles of nail polish almost identical to my favorite shade because I ran out and couldn't find any more of it. Turns out, stupid Walmart moved it, it was in the one spot I didn't look when I searched the whole cosmetics area. The spot that, until recently, was strictly Sally Hanson products.
We got the storage unit rented yesterday, and I ordered the carriers I needed for Lola and Spike. Shanna is looking for places near her for me, she found one we could share if it is as nice as the posting said it was. She also mentioned trying to get me in where she works for some summer hours, I'm excited!
I'm still having a hard time with our lack of progress in having a baby. I probably always will.
My sister sent me a picture the other day, Isabella is walking! She's catching up to her age, that's awesome! I'll post one as soon as she remembers to send me one that isn't blurry.
We're less than a week from deployment now, I feel okay right now, but he's here, in the other room asleep right now. I'm staying up to make sure he gets up on time to be at work by 5:30am, normally I wouldn't, but if I hadn't, he would have stayed up. I couldn't let him do that when he has to go shoot tomorrow.
So, I'm thinking that I may start doing pics of my adventures in makeup, it's becoming an obsession lately, seeing how many different looks I can do.
It always seems that I find a million things I want to address when I'm away from the computer, but as soon as I sit down and click 'new post' I forget all of it.
I have a second follower, yay Ann!
My toolbox came in and it's finished!
Oh the things one can do with spray paint, a sharpie and too much time on their hands!
Had a wonderful weekend with the in-laws! They're so sweet. I think I may have passed on my Urban Decay addiction to my mother in law, she went home with a list to go to Sephora for and she snagged the brand new Eden Primer Potion before I have it. :) I feel dumb too, she bought me three bottles of nail polish almost identical to my favorite shade because I ran out and couldn't find any more of it. Turns out, stupid Walmart moved it, it was in the one spot I didn't look when I searched the whole cosmetics area. The spot that, until recently, was strictly Sally Hanson products.
We got the storage unit rented yesterday, and I ordered the carriers I needed for Lola and Spike. Shanna is looking for places near her for me, she found one we could share if it is as nice as the posting said it was. She also mentioned trying to get me in where she works for some summer hours, I'm excited!
I'm still having a hard time with our lack of progress in having a baby. I probably always will.
My sister sent me a picture the other day, Isabella is walking! She's catching up to her age, that's awesome! I'll post one as soon as she remembers to send me one that isn't blurry.
We're less than a week from deployment now, I feel okay right now, but he's here, in the other room asleep right now. I'm staying up to make sure he gets up on time to be at work by 5:30am, normally I wouldn't, but if I hadn't, he would have stayed up. I couldn't let him do that when he has to go shoot tomorrow.
So, I'm thinking that I may start doing pics of my adventures in makeup, it's becoming an obsession lately, seeing how many different looks I can do.
It always seems that I find a million things I want to address when I'm away from the computer, but as soon as I sit down and click 'new post' I forget all of it.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I Will Wander Through Your Open Mind...
YAY! I finally have a follower, thanks Kate! I'm working on spiffing up the look of this thing too. Opinions thus far?
Okay, so I thought it might be fun to do a rant/rave entry. I'm bored, humor me, or suggest something.
Books:
Women authors:
Rave: Alice Walker.
Powerful writer, love her books, definitely worth a read, or re-read.
Rant: Kate Chopin.
After reading smashing reviews of The Awakening, I bought it. Big mistake. It was awful, I had to force myself to finish the book, then I couldn't get rid of it! No one wanted that piece of crap, I finally was able to sell it with some textbooks.
Men authors:
Rave: Kurt Vonnegut.
Love this guy and all of his works.
Rant: Ernest Hemmingway.
His portrayal of women is chauvinistic and his writing style is annoying.
Self Help:
Rave: The Fastest Way To Get Pregnant Naturally by Christopher Williams
Full of useful info (for those who are fertile anyway) it gave me ideas of things to ask my doctor when I went in the first time, and what to expect from my specialist.
Rant: The Proper Care And Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura
I have never in my life wanted to burn a book until I read this one. According to the author, if your husband is being a dick it's because you aren't treating him well enough, and sex solves all problems. Not so much, turns out my first husband was just a douchebag.
Shopping:
Rave: Frederick's of Hollywood.
Good quality, sexy and the sales are fabulous! AND they carry my bra size (36F) in store!!
Rant: Victoria's Secret
The sales girls are always rude, the sales suck, not much selection if you want some sexy panties, and they're crappy, I got a free pair of undies from there and they started fraying the first time through the washer. Extra suck point; the bra sizes stop at a D or DD.
Rave: Sephora.
Not only do they carry my favorite makeup, when they're out of something I want, they call me when it's in and save me one. Very handy when I need makeup remover, UD goes quick, by the time I got in to pick up my bottle, they had run out again!
Rant: The PX.
It's good if you want to get Lancome, Clinique, or Estee Lauder for cheaper than anywhere else, but don't expect to find a pricetag on anything or even a salesgirl to help most of the time.
Rave: Old Navy.
Comfy, quality, cute and inexpensive!
Rant: Hot Topic.
Was cool about ten years ago, now it's all Twilight, Emo, and over-priced junk that falls apart immediately.
Rave: Green Beans Coffee.
Pure awesomeness. Organic coffees, they support the military, and their profits go to an organization that helps families who have lost loved ones in service.
Rant: Starbucks.
Tastes kind of gross, the lattes are too sweet and if you believe the rumors, they refused to send our troops coffee to Iraq or Afghanistan.
Music:
Rave: Type O Negative
Pete Steele has a sexy, unmistakable voice, and songs that are absolutely amazing. Also, they guys aren't afraid to make fun of themselves and each other.
Rant: Metallica.
The music sucks, they have admitted they're only in it for the money, and they take themselves way too seriously. Highly overrated.
Rave: Liz Phair
Oh yeah, she goes there. Interesting lyrics and original sound.
Rant: Lady Gaga
WTF? This woman seriously gives me the creeps. Her music is unoriginal, and sounds like a broken record, not to mention her lack of proper clothing, do we really need another pop star showing girls they need to be damn near naked to get anyone to pay attention to them?
Rave: NuMetal.
Mudvayne, Slipknot, Static X, doesn't get much better than that!
Rant: 80's Metal.
Hard to tell one band from the next with all of the ridiculous screaming (think David Lee Roth). More annoying than entertaining.
I'm sure I'll think of more later, perhaps for an encore!
Okay, so I thought it might be fun to do a rant/rave entry. I'm bored, humor me, or suggest something.
Books:
Women authors:
Rave: Alice Walker.
Powerful writer, love her books, definitely worth a read, or re-read.
Rant: Kate Chopin.
After reading smashing reviews of The Awakening, I bought it. Big mistake. It was awful, I had to force myself to finish the book, then I couldn't get rid of it! No one wanted that piece of crap, I finally was able to sell it with some textbooks.
Men authors:
Rave: Kurt Vonnegut.
Love this guy and all of his works.
Rant: Ernest Hemmingway.
His portrayal of women is chauvinistic and his writing style is annoying.
Self Help:
Rave: The Fastest Way To Get Pregnant Naturally by Christopher Williams
Full of useful info (for those who are fertile anyway) it gave me ideas of things to ask my doctor when I went in the first time, and what to expect from my specialist.
Rant: The Proper Care And Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura
I have never in my life wanted to burn a book until I read this one. According to the author, if your husband is being a dick it's because you aren't treating him well enough, and sex solves all problems. Not so much, turns out my first husband was just a douchebag.
Shopping:
Rave: Frederick's of Hollywood.
Good quality, sexy and the sales are fabulous! AND they carry my bra size (36F) in store!!
Rant: Victoria's Secret
The sales girls are always rude, the sales suck, not much selection if you want some sexy panties, and they're crappy, I got a free pair of undies from there and they started fraying the first time through the washer. Extra suck point; the bra sizes stop at a D or DD.
Rave: Sephora.
Not only do they carry my favorite makeup, when they're out of something I want, they call me when it's in and save me one. Very handy when I need makeup remover, UD goes quick, by the time I got in to pick up my bottle, they had run out again!
Rant: The PX.
It's good if you want to get Lancome, Clinique, or Estee Lauder for cheaper than anywhere else, but don't expect to find a pricetag on anything or even a salesgirl to help most of the time.
Rave: Old Navy.
Comfy, quality, cute and inexpensive!
Rant: Hot Topic.
Was cool about ten years ago, now it's all Twilight, Emo, and over-priced junk that falls apart immediately.
Rave: Green Beans Coffee.
Pure awesomeness. Organic coffees, they support the military, and their profits go to an organization that helps families who have lost loved ones in service.
Rant: Starbucks.
Tastes kind of gross, the lattes are too sweet and if you believe the rumors, they refused to send our troops coffee to Iraq or Afghanistan.
Music:
Rave: Type O Negative
Pete Steele has a sexy, unmistakable voice, and songs that are absolutely amazing. Also, they guys aren't afraid to make fun of themselves and each other.
Rant: Metallica.
The music sucks, they have admitted they're only in it for the money, and they take themselves way too seriously. Highly overrated.
Rave: Liz Phair
Oh yeah, she goes there. Interesting lyrics and original sound.
Rant: Lady Gaga
WTF? This woman seriously gives me the creeps. Her music is unoriginal, and sounds like a broken record, not to mention her lack of proper clothing, do we really need another pop star showing girls they need to be damn near naked to get anyone to pay attention to them?
Rave: NuMetal.
Mudvayne, Slipknot, Static X, doesn't get much better than that!
Rant: 80's Metal.
Hard to tell one band from the next with all of the ridiculous screaming (think David Lee Roth). More annoying than entertaining.
I'm sure I'll think of more later, perhaps for an encore!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I Never Saw Whatever It Was...
I'm in a better mood today than I was last time...I think, haven't had enough coffee yet to know for sure. Surprisingly, I didn't get any nasty comments on here or facebook for the last one, and only one person deleted me from their friends list.
So here we are, less than two weeks out, house is partially packed, I have a bunch of crap to get rid of on craigslist that is driving me bugshit, is it really that hard for people to not expect to sell their crap high and get everything free from others? I posted two ads for free stuff, my phone and email blew up! No one even cared what the stuff was, they just wanted it because it was free, then those I did tell to come get it didn't bother to show up! Oh well, I guess I shove into storage the things that don't get taken and deal with them when I get back.
My in laws will be here Friday, I feel bad that the house is all bare, but they've moved, I'm sure they will understand my want to get as much as possible packed and into storage while Tommy is still home to help with it. I'm excited to meet them, I've talked to both on the phone many times, they are so nice, a huge improvement over my first set of in laws.
I still haven't gotten my toolbox, damn Amazon! Well, I can get impatient all I want, but I can't really complain about it taking nearly two weeks for FREE shipping, not logically anyway. Speaking of Amazon, my Suicide Girls dvd should be shipping on the 22nd! We preordered it over a month ago, but it isn't going to be released until March 15th.
I realized the other day that I may have a Bath & Body Works problem, I have enough lotions alone to fill my gym bag. No kidding, I did it. I may actually try to cram my body sprays in there too and call it good with just the two I carry in my purse left out, less to worry about later.
I tried something last night, an experiment, if you will. To see just how awesome my favorite eyeshadow is. After running errands, a super-hot bubble bath, and sleeping, it's still perfect. Conclusion? Urban Decay is soooo worth the money.
Here's what it looks like now.
(The shade is Graffiti, by the way) Also, lesson learned, highly pigmented eyeshadows do the same to me as tattoo ink, it stains, but that's all good.
Another lesson learned, keep makeup and husband away from facial piercings! Neither of these will end well, just ask my nose.
More to come when I remember it!
So here we are, less than two weeks out, house is partially packed, I have a bunch of crap to get rid of on craigslist that is driving me bugshit, is it really that hard for people to not expect to sell their crap high and get everything free from others? I posted two ads for free stuff, my phone and email blew up! No one even cared what the stuff was, they just wanted it because it was free, then those I did tell to come get it didn't bother to show up! Oh well, I guess I shove into storage the things that don't get taken and deal with them when I get back.
My in laws will be here Friday, I feel bad that the house is all bare, but they've moved, I'm sure they will understand my want to get as much as possible packed and into storage while Tommy is still home to help with it. I'm excited to meet them, I've talked to both on the phone many times, they are so nice, a huge improvement over my first set of in laws.
I still haven't gotten my toolbox, damn Amazon! Well, I can get impatient all I want, but I can't really complain about it taking nearly two weeks for FREE shipping, not logically anyway. Speaking of Amazon, my Suicide Girls dvd should be shipping on the 22nd! We preordered it over a month ago, but it isn't going to be released until March 15th.
I realized the other day that I may have a Bath & Body Works problem, I have enough lotions alone to fill my gym bag. No kidding, I did it. I may actually try to cram my body sprays in there too and call it good with just the two I carry in my purse left out, less to worry about later.
I tried something last night, an experiment, if you will. To see just how awesome my favorite eyeshadow is. After running errands, a super-hot bubble bath, and sleeping, it's still perfect. Conclusion? Urban Decay is soooo worth the money.
Here's what it looks like now.
(The shade is Graffiti, by the way) Also, lesson learned, highly pigmented eyeshadows do the same to me as tattoo ink, it stains, but that's all good.
Another lesson learned, keep makeup and husband away from facial piercings! Neither of these will end well, just ask my nose.
More to come when I remember it!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Body Full of Empty, A Head That's Full of Rage
Again today I have some light subjects, and some not so light subjects to touch on. Don't worry, I'll warn you before I get to the foul language and denying god part.
My laptop case arrived yesterday, the color wasn't what I expected, it said 'dove' and showed a pretty off white color, it's actually more like khaki, it's also a soft case, the pic looked like a hard case. Oh well, it's padded enough to keep my laptop from getting crushed, has a ton of storage pockets, and is still really nice for the $20 I paid for it. Now I'm just waiting on my toolbox. The toolbox is a project of sorts, I wanted a train case makeup box now that I'm not buying cheap makeup anymore, unfortunately those are expensive, and usually pretty small. So, I got an idea, get a toolbox and decorate it the way I want it. The one coming now is temporary, it's plastic and doesn't have drawers like I want, but that's okay too, I actually own tools, so I'll spiff it up and use it for my tools when I get the one I want for my makeup.
I finished a blanket yesterday, only two days after the baby was born, I must be getting better at this time limit stuff! I'm still working on the one for the baby born yesterday, I fear I may have made it too wide and will either run out of yarn less than halfway through, or I'll have to start it over to make it a little smaller. His mommy and daddy know I may skip sending it and just take it to them when I go home to visit, they're cool with that.
Okay, this is where it gets serious, if you're easily offended now might be a good time to click that little button up top that says 'next blog.' Just fair warning.
As anyone who has struggled through infertility knows, there are good days and there are bad days. Yesterday was a bad one. Two of my dear friends have had babies this week, and it seems everyone else is talking pregnancy and baby showers. It isn't that I'm not happy for everyone, it's just that some days the sheer abundance of babies and pregnancy around me feels like some sick cosmic joke on me. Ever wonder why I don't believe in god? Here's a big part of it, people who shouldn't be allowed within fifty feet of children can breed like rats, yet those who would be wonderful parents many times suffer through years of infertility before being able to have a baby, some are never able to be parents. That isn't 'just and merciful' nor is it free will, it wasn't my choice for my ovaries to shut down any more than it's the choice of abused children to be born into homes where they are destined to die from the beatings or neglect. Also contributing to my loss of faith, the fact that all I have ever wanted is to be a mother, and I've had to live through the loss of three babies and am now dealing with being unable to get pregnant at all. The new endocrinologist I went to looked disgusted at my being upset over having three miscarriages, I guess if I was a cold-hearted cunt like her it wouldn't bother me, but I'm not, and it kills me. Yes, I understand very well the concept of duality, and that good cannot exist without evil and vice versa, however there are more than enough other bad things in the world that killing innocents is unnecessary.
Talking to my sister yesterday she told me to think of all of the good I do, helping those who have lost their babies to have a little comfort. Honestly, I don't want to think about it, I'm not a person who wants recognition for the things I do, nor do I wish to become one. The act is no longer good, or from the heart if it is simply to impress others, regardless of what it is.
My mother has always told me that I can't save the world, she'll probably continue telling me that until the day one of us is no longer around, because I'm not going to stop trying to help everyone.
I suppose part of why the infertility stuff is hitting me so hard right now is because it's really sinking in that we won't even be able to try for another year due to the deployment. Every time I look at my facebook page I get sad, I need to take that damn ticker down that's counting to our first anniversary since he won't be here for it.
I know I've been coming across as very angry lately, I'm not usually an angry person, I just hold a lot back from people due to trust issues and not wanting to be a burden to those I do trust. So when things do come out, it's usually quite a mess.
My laptop case arrived yesterday, the color wasn't what I expected, it said 'dove' and showed a pretty off white color, it's actually more like khaki, it's also a soft case, the pic looked like a hard case. Oh well, it's padded enough to keep my laptop from getting crushed, has a ton of storage pockets, and is still really nice for the $20 I paid for it. Now I'm just waiting on my toolbox. The toolbox is a project of sorts, I wanted a train case makeup box now that I'm not buying cheap makeup anymore, unfortunately those are expensive, and usually pretty small. So, I got an idea, get a toolbox and decorate it the way I want it. The one coming now is temporary, it's plastic and doesn't have drawers like I want, but that's okay too, I actually own tools, so I'll spiff it up and use it for my tools when I get the one I want for my makeup.
I finished a blanket yesterday, only two days after the baby was born, I must be getting better at this time limit stuff! I'm still working on the one for the baby born yesterday, I fear I may have made it too wide and will either run out of yarn less than halfway through, or I'll have to start it over to make it a little smaller. His mommy and daddy know I may skip sending it and just take it to them when I go home to visit, they're cool with that.
Okay, this is where it gets serious, if you're easily offended now might be a good time to click that little button up top that says 'next blog.' Just fair warning.
As anyone who has struggled through infertility knows, there are good days and there are bad days. Yesterday was a bad one. Two of my dear friends have had babies this week, and it seems everyone else is talking pregnancy and baby showers. It isn't that I'm not happy for everyone, it's just that some days the sheer abundance of babies and pregnancy around me feels like some sick cosmic joke on me. Ever wonder why I don't believe in god? Here's a big part of it, people who shouldn't be allowed within fifty feet of children can breed like rats, yet those who would be wonderful parents many times suffer through years of infertility before being able to have a baby, some are never able to be parents. That isn't 'just and merciful' nor is it free will, it wasn't my choice for my ovaries to shut down any more than it's the choice of abused children to be born into homes where they are destined to die from the beatings or neglect. Also contributing to my loss of faith, the fact that all I have ever wanted is to be a mother, and I've had to live through the loss of three babies and am now dealing with being unable to get pregnant at all. The new endocrinologist I went to looked disgusted at my being upset over having three miscarriages, I guess if I was a cold-hearted cunt like her it wouldn't bother me, but I'm not, and it kills me. Yes, I understand very well the concept of duality, and that good cannot exist without evil and vice versa, however there are more than enough other bad things in the world that killing innocents is unnecessary.
Talking to my sister yesterday she told me to think of all of the good I do, helping those who have lost their babies to have a little comfort. Honestly, I don't want to think about it, I'm not a person who wants recognition for the things I do, nor do I wish to become one. The act is no longer good, or from the heart if it is simply to impress others, regardless of what it is.
My mother has always told me that I can't save the world, she'll probably continue telling me that until the day one of us is no longer around, because I'm not going to stop trying to help everyone.
I suppose part of why the infertility stuff is hitting me so hard right now is because it's really sinking in that we won't even be able to try for another year due to the deployment. Every time I look at my facebook page I get sad, I need to take that damn ticker down that's counting to our first anniversary since he won't be here for it.
I know I've been coming across as very angry lately, I'm not usually an angry person, I just hold a lot back from people due to trust issues and not wanting to be a burden to those I do trust. So when things do come out, it's usually quite a mess.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Live At Arms Length and Die A Little
Okay, starting lightly, pics of the lipstick I made. It's lighter than I had expected, and looks even lighter in the picture. It looks like asphyxia, an interesting shade really.
On to the heavier things, I'm sure everyone has heard or seen something that took them back to a place they didn't want to be. Although some are lucky enough not to have it drag them into a nearly week long guilt trip. I had my mp3 player on random the other night (per my usual), and it started playing Lies by Stabbing Westward, I only listened to half of it before I couldn't take it anymore, but it took me back to a place I didn't want to be when I was there, and has left me feeling guilty ever since.
Anyone who knew me seven or eight, even ten, years ago can tell you I was a jerk in a big way, not as a personal affront to anyone, but because I hated everything, myself most of all.
Since then, however, I've done almost a complete 180. Although, I do have moments when I think it would be easier if I was still disconnected from everything, compassion and empathy come with a high price. It's gotten worse lately, I asked a friend of mine if she would like a blanket for her son who didn't make it, Tommy asked me who I was talking to and I told him who and that I had to ask her something. He asked what I had to ask her, I was finally able to answer him after bursting into full out sobs over her pain and my own guilt at not thinking of her sooner. Things like that are a near daily occurrence for me.
I let few people close to me, for good reason, I come across as bitchy, uncaring and sometimes rude when people first meet me, this is a defense mechanism. In truth, I'm very fragile, I get hurt easily, but I don't forgive easily, and I don't forget. I'm at a place right now where I'm feeling incredibly alone, it's killing me, I tried once to do something about it and I got burned, no more.
I've come to a few conclusions lately; first and foremost, if you have to be so childish as to stop speaking to me and refuse to tell me what I did wrong or give me the chance to apologize, then you don't want the problem (whatever the hell it was) solved. I'm not going to beg you to speak to me, or even tell me what I did, I'm an easy person to talk to, tell me or get over it, we're grownups, leave that drama for the high school kids. This has happened at least three times in the past year and I'm fed up.
Maybe I just have an attitude problem right now, I've had incessant headaches for a bout a week now and I'm so overwhelmed that I don't know if I'm coming or going most days, but I refuse to ask for help or even admit that I need it. That makes it my own fault, I know. My asshole pride strikes again, I got myself into the situations, I'll get myself out....eventually.
I apologize to anyone (if anyone is) reading today, I'm sure this sounds like a huge, rambling whinefest, I just had some things I needed to get out. It will get better with time. :)
On to the heavier things, I'm sure everyone has heard or seen something that took them back to a place they didn't want to be. Although some are lucky enough not to have it drag them into a nearly week long guilt trip. I had my mp3 player on random the other night (per my usual), and it started playing Lies by Stabbing Westward, I only listened to half of it before I couldn't take it anymore, but it took me back to a place I didn't want to be when I was there, and has left me feeling guilty ever since.
Anyone who knew me seven or eight, even ten, years ago can tell you I was a jerk in a big way, not as a personal affront to anyone, but because I hated everything, myself most of all.
Since then, however, I've done almost a complete 180. Although, I do have moments when I think it would be easier if I was still disconnected from everything, compassion and empathy come with a high price. It's gotten worse lately, I asked a friend of mine if she would like a blanket for her son who didn't make it, Tommy asked me who I was talking to and I told him who and that I had to ask her something. He asked what I had to ask her, I was finally able to answer him after bursting into full out sobs over her pain and my own guilt at not thinking of her sooner. Things like that are a near daily occurrence for me.
I let few people close to me, for good reason, I come across as bitchy, uncaring and sometimes rude when people first meet me, this is a defense mechanism. In truth, I'm very fragile, I get hurt easily, but I don't forgive easily, and I don't forget. I'm at a place right now where I'm feeling incredibly alone, it's killing me, I tried once to do something about it and I got burned, no more.
I've come to a few conclusions lately; first and foremost, if you have to be so childish as to stop speaking to me and refuse to tell me what I did wrong or give me the chance to apologize, then you don't want the problem (whatever the hell it was) solved. I'm not going to beg you to speak to me, or even tell me what I did, I'm an easy person to talk to, tell me or get over it, we're grownups, leave that drama for the high school kids. This has happened at least three times in the past year and I'm fed up.
Maybe I just have an attitude problem right now, I've had incessant headaches for a bout a week now and I'm so overwhelmed that I don't know if I'm coming or going most days, but I refuse to ask for help or even admit that I need it. That makes it my own fault, I know. My asshole pride strikes again, I got myself into the situations, I'll get myself out....eventually.
I apologize to anyone (if anyone is) reading today, I'm sure this sounds like a huge, rambling whinefest, I just had some things I needed to get out. It will get better with time. :)
Monday, March 1, 2010
Watch Out, Here I Come...
It occurred to me that I should probably introduce myself, and maybe what this is going to be all about, for any random readers that happen by.
I'm 26, married, living in Colorado for the time being, and this blog is my daily adventures in marriage, crochet, losing weight, and whatever else I happen to get into. Enjoy.
I made candy last night, it was from a kit, but it was enough for me to realize that candy-making isn't something I have the attention span for.
I made lipstick the other night, I'll take and post pics of that later. Right now it looks like I need to get my butt in gear on a couple of blankets, Megan is being induced right now and Heather went to the hospital a few hours ago in labor, I haven't finished either of their blankets. My arm hurts, and I have a scarf to finish by morning as well, just waiting for the Tylenol to kick in now so I can get back to it.
I'm 26, married, living in Colorado for the time being, and this blog is my daily adventures in marriage, crochet, losing weight, and whatever else I happen to get into. Enjoy.
I made candy last night, it was from a kit, but it was enough for me to realize that candy-making isn't something I have the attention span for.
I made lipstick the other night, I'll take and post pics of that later. Right now it looks like I need to get my butt in gear on a couple of blankets, Megan is being induced right now and Heather went to the hospital a few hours ago in labor, I haven't finished either of their blankets. My arm hurts, and I have a scarf to finish by morning as well, just waiting for the Tylenol to kick in now so I can get back to it.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
This Is Where It Begins...
Okay, so here goes, an attempt at a few things. First and foremost, keeping those who rarely see or hear from me (and are interested) up to date on what's going on in my world, and two, healing a wrong that caused me to be unable to write for release for nearly three years now.
As some know, I finished my Certificate last week, with all A's, just waiting for it to come in the mail now. Next is picking a college for my Associates and Bachelors degrees, and looking into more than just Drexel for my PhD program.
I got some good news yesterday, there is a possibility of a new Forever Warm chapter to be started in Michigan! My step grandmother sent me blankets for my chapter, and I've offered to help her set up her own when I go home to visit this summer.
We are around three weeks out from deployment right now, not cool. So I have a busy month ahead of me, tons of crochet, packing and organizing to do before I can get out of here. Now, normally I would stay for the deployment, moving is such a pain, but I have very little for a support system here, and I just hate it in Colorado. So, I'm going to Virginia to be near my in laws and best friend while Tommy is gone, it will also give him one less thing to worry about while he's there, I'm all about not worrying him any more than absolutely necessary.
I have an appointment Tuesday to get my heart monitor, and one for an eye exam, I don't think there's anything wrong with my eyes, but it doesn't hurt to get them checked just in case. Tommy thinks I'm going to have to get reading glasses, and thinks that's funny. I told him I would just get some sexy nerd glasses and deal with it if that's the case. :)
My sister in law came to visit! She's awesome! I'm sad she's leaving soon though. :( Hopefully Tommys parents will be coming to see us before he goes too, we've been married almost a year now, and I've yet to meet them. He's met my mother and stepdad, it's unlikely he'll have to meet my father, as I haven't spoken to him in years.
I suppose that's all for now, but I'll try to update this at least weekly, daily when possible.
As some know, I finished my Certificate last week, with all A's, just waiting for it to come in the mail now. Next is picking a college for my Associates and Bachelors degrees, and looking into more than just Drexel for my PhD program.
I got some good news yesterday, there is a possibility of a new Forever Warm chapter to be started in Michigan! My step grandmother sent me blankets for my chapter, and I've offered to help her set up her own when I go home to visit this summer.
We are around three weeks out from deployment right now, not cool. So I have a busy month ahead of me, tons of crochet, packing and organizing to do before I can get out of here. Now, normally I would stay for the deployment, moving is such a pain, but I have very little for a support system here, and I just hate it in Colorado. So, I'm going to Virginia to be near my in laws and best friend while Tommy is gone, it will also give him one less thing to worry about while he's there, I'm all about not worrying him any more than absolutely necessary.
I have an appointment Tuesday to get my heart monitor, and one for an eye exam, I don't think there's anything wrong with my eyes, but it doesn't hurt to get them checked just in case. Tommy thinks I'm going to have to get reading glasses, and thinks that's funny. I told him I would just get some sexy nerd glasses and deal with it if that's the case. :)
My sister in law came to visit! She's awesome! I'm sad she's leaving soon though. :( Hopefully Tommys parents will be coming to see us before he goes too, we've been married almost a year now, and I've yet to meet them. He's met my mother and stepdad, it's unlikely he'll have to meet my father, as I haven't spoken to him in years.
I suppose that's all for now, but I'll try to update this at least weekly, daily when possible.
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